Giving birth the second time.

Today is the day I gave birth to our much awaited baby boy. He was born a preemie at 36 weeks on the dot, weighing only 2.54 kg. 
When I got pregnant with my son I was not as proactive as I was during my first pregnancy. I preferred to stay in on weekends and all the time JD had to attend to weddings/ kenduri without me. My belly was bigger than ever with this one. Hence the dreadfulness to do just about anything. I felt too heavy to even carry myself around. In the 8th month I literally counted hours to give birth (sangat2 tak larat) so I secretly hoped for the labour to happen soon. Comfortably knowing that my past delivery was a preterm labour (without complications), I sort of expected the same this time.

Well, one midnight (around 1am) while I was sleeping (in a sitting position) on bed I suddenly felt wet.. so I got off, and stood still. A few drips of pink blood on the floor (sorry TMI). My water broke so we decided to pack some stuff and make a move. Of course the first hospital that we went to was Al-Islam Specialist Hospital where I had my monthly checkups done. After being scanned I was informed that they couldn't handle my case (I was 35weeks at the time). Worried that there may be complications, they told us the hospital doesn't have the facility (ventilator etc.) and suggested we go to GHKL (General Hospital Kuala Lumpur) instead. JD and I had a brief discussion in the car (while I wet the passenger seat with amniotic fluid) and he made a 'drive-thru' around GH. It's almost 3am. Wasn't hard to make up my mind, I said 'no' straight away. Don't ask me why.

We stopped by the roadside and continued 'google-ing' for nearby hospitals. Never thought that we can be rejected in this condition. All these while (among hundreds of appointments) never once I was informed (by Al-Islam Specialist Hospital) of the inadequacy, otherwise we could have well planned for the next best option(s) available. We would have come prepared, physically & mentally. Sigh..

So after a quick search on a few hospitals & list of gynaecologists we decided to try Columbia Asia Hospital. We were hungry by the time we reach Setapak so JD drove thru the nearest McDonald's and we had our 'supper' inside the car right in front of the hospital entrance. Enjoyed my final fatty meal before the 'torturous' confinement began. 
So around 4 o'clock my husband went in for inquiry (I couldn't be bothered to walk around like a mobile leaking pipe). And guess what, they couldn't admit me as I have no record with the hospital (even for emergencies, seriously? Is giving birth less critical than attending to accident injuries? Then what is the 'medical record/history card' for??) I was told to bring the red card/ booklet wherever I go in my third trimester should I be out of town at the time of delivery. Much to my surprise it did not matter at all, no value, it seemed. Not asked for, not looked at, not referred to. Frustrating.

So we got back in the car, JD asked me whether I wanted to settle down at Prince Court (as he's started to become anxious). But for the overpriced overrated-specialist fee alone, I refused. We slowly drove back to the city. Passed by Pusrawi at Jalan Tun Razak so we decided to drop by and try our luck. It was 5am. Staff nurses & medical officers were crowding the reception when JD came & talked to them. It took him a while until he returned to the car with another rejection. Apparently Pusrawi has it all, (the facility etc) but they couldn't accept us merely because we do not have a record with them. How unbelievable is that? It's not like we come to burden you for Free. I never felt so rejected all my life. Furthermore in that condition.. 
*heavy sigh*

Both JD and I started to get really dizzy for not sleeping the whole night, exhausted, but most of all we were very upset and frustrated with how the system works.

JD came up with another suggestion and this time we headed straight to Pantai Hospital (where JD was born btw). By the time we reached Bangsar, it was nearly 7am. Both of us went in and JD talked to the front desk. They refused us at first (for the same reason given by Pusrawi) but this time JD argued. I understand how tired he must be feeling and to be told off several times in my case was something he couldn't take anymore at that point. The MO came out from the door and tried to explain again (same shit we've been hearing over the night) then JD kept arguing and appealing. Nicely tho. MO went back in to talk to somebody else in-charged. Finally an Indian male doctor came and tried to resolve the issue. 

He took a look at me, told me to come inside their emergency area and rest on bed. He was really nice that he made a personal phone call to one of the gynaes (Dr. Idora) --explaining the situation to her and sort of asking her to take up my case. I still remember smiling ear to ear when he hung up and said 'okay, done'. What a huge relief. JD finally get to sit back and take a breather.

They then sent me straight into the labour room (for a few hours) assuming that I should be ready for delivery but there was neither dilation nor contractions so I was transferred to a single-bed room. Dr. Idora performed an ultrasound and saw a small pool of water remaining inside. So yea, I wasn't due for labour yet but my water broke early. They closely monitored my amniotic fluid everyday and injected me with antibiotics to prevent infection and doses of steroids to fully develop my baby's lungs. I spent a good 5 days at Pantai Hospital.. cost us a total of RM6k. 
The day I turned 36 weeks Dr. Idora said she was confident that I can deliver safely now and if I feel more comfortable in the hands of a familiar face then I may do so. I was glad she asked, without hesitation I told JD to call Al-Islam and talk to my gynae. I was discharged on the very same day and got admitted at AISH. Unfortunately, all the single/ double-bed wards were occupied, leaving me to a four-bedded ward. Gosh I cried when I found out that JD couldn't stay by my side but I knew I had no choice. 

On my second night there I started to feel mild contractions at around 10pm. Like 30 minutes apart. I tried to sleep it off as midnight approached. But the gap in between contractions became shorter so I called for nurse. She brought the CTG machine to check on me. Surprisingly it could not detect my contractions. So the nurse told me to try and go back to sleep. Felt great, didn't it. 

Around 1am+ the pain became more frequent so again I called for the nurse. Same thing, zero detection by the machine and the midwife had the gut to say "oh babies are most active at night that's why you're in pain". Seriously??? Who was she kidding? This isn't my second pregnancy you think I can't differentiate between a baby's movement and a contraction?? How silly.

2am, still bearing the pain all by myself. Knowing that I should be in labour room already I called the nurse for the third time. This time she came and put me on drip. Still didn't believe that I was having frequent contractions (because the machine said so), she walked away. I wonder why a patient's statement doesn't count, I'm the one who's in pain, my body was aching so bad and you think I'm bluffing? What's the point of diagnosis then? Is it all about the machine?! You can't possibly rely 100% on a weak machine! Clearly it could be faulty in so many ways. God..

It was 3am when I had to call for the nurse (again) as the pain became unbearable. She finally went to consult the gynae (Dr. Ros) who's on-call. The midwife was then told to check on my cervical dilation. Literally felt like kicking her when we found out it was already 6cm! Damn machine..
She panicked and quickly ran out looking for somebody to get a wheelchair for me while she went to get the labour room ready. Due to her ignorance there was no time for enema that I ended up passing stools during labour (sorry TMI). 

My contractions became much stronger as I lay on the birthing bed. But the pain didn't only come from that. The selfish midwife asked me to make a phone call to my husband myself! While.in.strong.pain! 
God I really hope what she gives she gets back someday. With the remaining strength I pushed myself to make the call. And of all days, that night his cellphone battery ran out so it was charged downstairs while he was sleeping upstairs (at his mom's place because it's much nearer to the hosp). God knows how many times I called. While.in.strong.pain! Then I had to scroll for Contacts in my phone to search for his dad's number, his sister's, in-laws', you name it I called everyone around the house but geez of all days, nobody picked up the phone that particular night. I didn't cringe of the pain but this 'calling' part made me want to scream my lungs out. I spent the whole 15 minutes calling each of them repeatedly, one after another. Then I remember his other sister who lives nearby his mom's. Thank goodness she picked up right away and with my energy level at the minimum I only managed to say a few words. She & her husband went to my MIL's and knocked the door like mad (took them a while too as everybody was in deep sleep).

I was really afraid that JD couldn't make it because the baby is due anytime! With my first pregnancy he was there the whole time from the moment my contraction started until the end. This time, I had to be on my own in a four-bedded ward, bore the contractions without anybody by my side, and now towards the last part I just can't give in. 

3.30am, he showed up. Phewh! Though he didn't get the opportunity to assist me much this time around, I was so happy that he made it on time. At least to witness the birth of his first son. I delivered my precious baby naturally at 3.45am. Drug-free. (And the freakin midwife left me alone in the labour room until 7ish). As soon as our baby boy was bathed and cleaned, JD recited azan to him and was told to leave the hospital afterwards and to wait until visiting hours.. so he went to the mosque and came back around 8am with breakfast. 
I was then transferred to a suite on the same day (the only single-bed room available). Baby boy had to be monitored in PICU due to infection so we spent another 3 days there until everyone's ready to be home. Syukur Alhamdulillah..for HIS love. We are truly blessed beyond measure.


(Nonetheless, this was indeed my worst hospital experience ever. I am never coming back).

7-Eleven!

Yesterday was my birthday~! November 7th \(",)/

Frankly speaking ever since I met JD, my birthdays have always been literally extravagant, always beyond expectations and extremely overloaded with sweetness all through. :')

Birthdays. To me is just another annual event that you ought to celebrate, you know, (the conventional) cakes & candles, balloons & banners, etc. On this date every year, I never really thought of appreciating the number of years I have spent in this world.. Also all these while I've been thanking the one who fought-for-her-life-to-give-birth-to-me solely on Mother's Day instead of my birthday (iskk..) and I never actually evaluate my contributions --as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, neighbour, employee, and most of all, as a slave to the Almighty.

I went on everyday wishing I had more time for this and that, but when I do have the time -my energy level forbids.. so there goes~

Hmmm. My personal revolution this year would be to maximize the quality time I have by spending it wisely (for God's sake) just so I could contribute more, by all means inshaaAllah. ♡

**********

O-kay... so yesterday someone apparently came back quite late from work, bout 9ish.. said he was busy completing Site Investigation reports thus I spent the happy hours playing with Cahya (who is now 2 years and 1 month old).

Well soon as he reached home, he didn't bring his car in and so I asked why.. Baby said someone blocked the gate --while I peeked from the door and yes I saw a car outside but since I just removed my contact lens so yea, blurred vision = nothing suspicious!

He went upstairs to perform his prayers. Still in his office attire he came down so I thought he must be very hungry cuz normally he would've taken a shower first. Ajak makan but he insisted that I go to the front door. He said there's something outside for me so he got one hand covering my eyes and the other holds mine, walked me to the porch as i was 'blind-folded'. Until I guess I was already standing so close to the gate, and..... S U R P R I S E !!! 

I screamed (gosh..) and pulled his hand and hugged him and began asking too many questions all at once. The whens, hows and whys.. like seriously, it's a freakin car kot!! A birthday gift meh?! You made me cryyy on my birthdayyy! Awwh B.....what have I done to deserve all these.. really.

Thank you baby for loving me as I am, thank you for your doa, thank you for your sincerity... You leave me speechless every. single. time. you do this.

=')

I just, love.

My 2011.

Mmmkay where do I begin...

Lemme just summarize the most memorable year of my life, 2011!

That last entry I posted was right after attending kursus kahwin and more or less 2 months before I got married to the man of my dreams, JD. =')
To be exact the date was 1.1.11 (january first, twenty eleven). Syukur Alhamdulillah the solemnization took place at my parents' and the wedding ceremony held just the next day. The weekend after that (jan 8th) was my second reception -in a decent hall on a rooftop whereas the following weekend (jan 15th) was the final reception; his side. 

Well I. have. never. been. happier..
What an ultimately gratifying way to start the year I must say.

Fast forward: moving on to the next chapter.. come March and I got preggy!! Happy feet weeeeehooo~! It took us quite some time (probly like two months or so) till it eventually hit us in the heads lol. Rezeki, mate!

JD actually planned on a honeymoon at the Europe so yea by the time we went there I was already 16 weeks pregnant lol.. We first went for JD's graduation at Royal Albert Hall in London (where Imperial College normally hold the ceremony) God knows how proud I am for all of his achievements Congratulations dear husband i love you beyond infinity!!
The Royal Wedding (William & Kate) was also happening at the same time (just the day after) so yea we hung out @ Westminster Abbey for the first half of the day and slowly walked down the streets as the parade passes by. Lovely weather, not too cold, not too warm. Just perfect.

Few days in London and then off we went to Madrid, Rome, Pisa, Venice and then back to London before flying home. Our honeymoon vacay took approximately 3 weeks. So many things I could've shared then but it's been almost 3 years and am pretty occupied now T_T
Shall try to pen it down someday when the mood kicks in!

Syukur that the whole time I was pregnant I never had any morning sickness, as well as cravings and whatnot.. much to my own surprise! And oh, not even a slight appearance of stretch marks too (thank goodness for that) Alhamdulillah.

As for other common hormonal changes such as extreme sleepiness, heartburn, leg cramps and weight gain (I put on 12 kilos fyi!) were all part of the priceless experience that I've encountered.

With all the driving to & fro my office, squatting to get stuff from the bottom shelf, climbing up & down the stairs (both in office & at home) certainly helped a lot during labour. And I really mean a lot. So she (oh yes our first child is a SHE -just what we wished for hehe!) 'decided' to come out n see the world when I was only at 36w4d. One month earlier that is! Went into the labour room at about 8pm and gave birth around 1am on September 22nd, that's a double joy in a year! JD stood beside me the whole 5 hours, reciting doa & zikir tanpa henti, literally tak putus2 whispering to my ear, and on my forehead. Listening to his recitals totally calmed me down, tiap saat ikut dalam hati.. Terima kasih, si kacak saya. Still dressed in his office attire, kemas berkemeja dengan kasut kulitnya. Nak masuk labour room, tengok wajah kesayangan hamba, hati pun berbunga. Sempat.
God's will it was a normal birth, no TENS machine no epidurals no laughing gas no complications and the only thing I took was Pethidine jab, mainly to help fasten cervix dilation (by acting as a muscle relaxant), at the same time provides sedation in between contractions..

Recalling how smooth the delivery was, I feel So blessed and content..!

The 44days-confinement ensued & that was how my twenty eleven ended.. (swear i didn't quite like those so-called confinement foods i lost my appetite in less than 2 weeks i rather not eat at all) huhu~

Anyhow 'twas still the Best year of my life -having so many miracles to remember.. ©

Semat dalam diri, kekal dalam hati, ingat sampai mati.

Yang paling aku ingat (dan harus sentiasa ingat) dalam gurauan tersirat sang ustaz (tentang alam sah berpasangan) :

1. Saling melengkapi. Apa yg tak ada pada kita, ada pada pasangan. Vice versa. Don't ever play the blame game. If he couldn't do something as you would expect, You do it. If you couldn't make him something that he thought you could, he shall do it then. Never expect your other half to know and do everything, because you don't & you can't do literally Everything too. Help complete each other.

2. Jadi pendengar bila dimarahi. Even if you're not listening, just pretend that you are. Do not raise your voice to one another & of course, don't let the other person does that to you as well. Draw a limit if you don't want to lose respect. Create some borders, but not boundaries. When he talks, you listen. Vice versa. Only discuss when the situation is less tense.

3. Lalui tiap hari with excitement, jgn kalah pada stress. If you think everything is stressing you out (and allowing pressure to get in the way) most of the time, then what won't? If work is stressing you out, your surroundings are, marriage is, friends are, then what on Earth makes you happy? Be in charge of your mind, take control of your mood. Today is different from yesterday. Every one thing that you look forward to has its own degree of excitement. Let some happiness crawl in between your hectic life & tight schedules. Do not aggravate stress and surrender to it.

4. Sayang keluarga mereka sama seperti darah daging sendiri. If you feel like you need more of his time & attention devoted to you and only you, always remind yourself that you now have two sets of parents and extra number of siblings. Each & every single person is now your family. Learn to love them unconditionally, the same way you love your own flesh and blood. Be yourself and try not to treat them like strangers. Don't get awkward, learn to develop closeness.

5. 'Diam, tarik nafas dalam2, sabar..' are always the better options in most situations. Always control your temper. He's another entity, bukan hakmilik mutlak. Vice versa. He's not a material that you own. You are there to accompany each other, do everything together. Bukan lagak umpama tuan & pengikutnya. Or like a pet & his owner.

6. Love, Thank you, Rindu, Please, and Sorry.. are the most important words in life. Because again, neither you nor him are leaders / followers. You are partners, of equal shareholders. Jangan mengarah & memerintah. Such things will slowly menjauhkan hati. (Tawar hati is the main symptom of separations, in most cases.)

7. Because perempuan tidak wajib mencari nafkah (juga memasak dll.) but nowadays women are no longer housewives & majority are career-women, therefore your partner should always help with house chores because both of you work hard to earn money for a living and you get tired after work everyday, so be fair to each other. Nothing should be one-sided. Sedangkan men yang much stronger than women pun letih di hujung hari, apa lagi kaum wanita. If you don't have a superpower yourself, don't ridiculously expect your other half to have that super extra energy ya.

Semoga berjaya mencapai matlamat sebenar sesebuah perkahwinan. Well well.. good luck ;)

Harapan saya sempena Hari Raya.

Awak,

Saya kuat merengek mahukan perhatian, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat mengaruk, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat menangis sampai menghentak-hentak kaki, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat teruja menjerit nyaring, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat bising2 walau hanya luka sikit, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat memberontak bila tak dapat apa yang saya nak, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat merajuk sampai ketara berubah air muka, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat tak puas hati bila kena berkongsi, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat merepek dan merapu, macam budak kecil.

Saya harap, awak cukup kuat untuk jaga saya, walaupun saya macam budak kecil.

Saya harap, awak cukup kuat untuk bertahan dengan saya, walaupun saya tetap macam budak kecil, sampai bila-bila.

Janji ya?

Dia dan Lelaki Itu.

Dia sayang lelaki itu. Lain daripada yang sebelumnya. Dia terlalu yakin bahwa lelaki itu dicipta untuknya. Dan kerana hati dia penuh cinta, dia serahkan segala-galanya. Hanya pada lelaki itu.

Dia mahu setiap pengajaran lalu, walau silap sebesar zarah, dipadam terus, mati di situ. Sumpah tidak sanggup diulang dek waktu.

Maka dia jadi pendesak. Memaksa setiap inci situasi menjadi jauh lebih indah dari yang lalu. Timbul punca sebesar kuman, dia langsung hilang arah. Mereka-mereka yang tahu, mereka kata dia trauma. Mereka kata dia paranoid. Mereka kata dia masih di bawah, menggapai-gapai, tercari-cari lelaki itu.

Bila dicapaikan tangan padanya, dia sambut lega. Namun..hakikat pahitnya, dalam bahagia, dia tetap lelah mencari nyawa. Mengapa ya.. 
Mereka kata --dia masih gentar, takutkan segala. 
Dia rasa --dia sedang sesat mencari sempurna.

Sempurna, padanya, bukan seperti yang mereka-mereka fikirkan. Juga bukan seperti yang lelaki itu sangka. Sempurna adalah pabila lelaki itu merasakan setiap detik mahu wujudnya dia. Bila berkata 'mahu', ertinya lelaki itu sangat perlu, ertinya lelaki itu tidak henti merindu, ertinya lelaki itu ikhlas menunggu. Lelaki itu harus 'mahu'kan dia lebih dari semua. Dan dia katakan sempurna apabila perasaan itu kekal tidak berubah, hingga ke hujungnya.

Hanya lelaki itu yang dia agungkan. Salahkah jika pada yang satu itulah dia panjatkan setinggi harapan? Yang dia hamparkan seluas perasaan? Yang dia pinta sepenuh perhatian? Dan jangan ada ketika di mana lelaki itu melontar kata sekadar mahu menyedap rasa, kerana dia benar-benar pegang kuat sampai mati. Jangan berjanji jika bukan cinta dia yang diimpi. Tiap tutur kata akan dia nanti..sepenuh hati. Maka jangan terlalu berani..jangan berjanji, wahai lelaki. Kerana dia tidak punya apa-apa tanpa cinta.

Tolong jangan salahkan dia kerana dia tidak pernah minta menjadi mangsa! Dia hanya 'mahu' lelaki itu, apa adanya, biar apa orang kata, dia hanya tahu mendesak rasa cinta. Tolong jangan salahkan dia bila tidak kisahkan segala kerana terlalu cinta. Yang dia tahu dia hanya 'mahu' lelaki itu, sampai akhir masa.

Syukur Sang Pencinta..

Kelihatannya persis terlalu taksub, mungkin. Kelihatannya seperti tidak terbatas..tidak ada had, mungkin. Mungkin juga kelihatannya jemu, hampir setiap kali dikhabarkan jiwa itu. Jiwa yang sama.

YA, AKU SANG PENCINTA.

Keruh itu aku ukur di sepanjang jalan.
Yang indah aku pungut di setiap jejak.
Jahat itu aku rasa di hela nafas ini.
Yang baik itu aku takluk dalam hati.

Hidup aku ikhlas menggarisi cinta pada semua.

dan pada Kau yang sentiasa buat aku redha kerana percayakan hikmahnya, terima kasih..terima kasih wahai Tuhan, Kau beri aku udara bersih yang bisa ku hembus bebas. Kau beri aku dalami matangnya segala rasa. Kau beri aku puas dengan apa adanya.

Kau beri aku dia untuk benar-benar aku cinta.

God bless!

No one can know what's the outcome of
spending years together will be..
Being happy together in a long distance relationship is a gift,
and enduring love is the key.Everything has worked right for us so far.
May our future bring more of the same,
and our love remain strong and true.

***

..you at your nights & me in my days..

***

Another year to create priceless memories together.
Another year to discover new things to enjoy about each other.
Another year to build a life rich in love and laughter.
Another year to strengthen a relationship that defines "forever"..


Happy Anniversary.
THANK YOU MY DEAR PERFECTION

Until we meet again.

Cinta, I REALLY THANK YOU FOR COMING.

:)
Bahagia itu ada sama saya.
Sempurna itu cuma awak di mata saya.
Indah itu bukan hanya kata-kata..kerna cinta kita punya segalanya.

*******

Like always, I can never thank you enough. . .
Best wishes for your final exam, dearest. I'll pray for you, all the way.
And baby.. I promise to take extra care of our turquoise fighter fish okay.

:)

'' Turqomaso ''

MY HANDSOME PRINCE, MY PRETTY BOY, MY CUNGPIPITAILALATMATACOKLAT!

=)

I COULD'T SLEEP. HE'S ARRIVING IN 4 HOURS TIME!!!
I'M TOO EXCITED, TOO EAGER, TOO NERVOUS,
AND JUST TOO HAPPY!!!
I'M FEELING CONTENT. THANKFUL, FOR HIM. I CAN NEVER BE GRATEFUL ENOUGH FOR SUCH A PERFECT SOULMATE. I'LL DO MY BEST TO APPRECIATE YOUR GIFT FOR ME, TUHAN. I'LL TRY NOT TO HURT HIM, FOR ALL MY LIFE.
AND I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE UP TRYING.

IF ONLY I CAN CLEARLY EXPRESS, IF ONLY I CAN CLEARLY TELL...HOW MUCH I LOVE.

My world has actually stopped spinning, long before.

Or maybe it's just taking its break.


It wasn't you. It is not, and never will it be.
I didn't know that I'm still impacted, affected, hurt.
I didn't realize that.
Yes I got over him, yes I got over his love.
But to get over the past, show me who can possibly do so.

Do I need you really closely to help, to guide, to lead, to discover & bring me into that much better world of yours?
Do I need more time just so I could fully recover?
Do I need to get involved in an accident and hope to get amnesia so that I can start fresh?
Do I need to patiently wait and passively love while fighting with fear?


Perhaps I just need to take one step at a time to walk my own self into light, where I see no more darkness. And that light, is certainly coming from your side.

I know.

Kelemahan ini melemahkan.

Aku takut. Jadi aku cuba berani dengan apa saja bentuk kekasaran. Sedikit tinggi suara kau pada aku, aku jawab dengan nada lebih tinggi daripada itu. Aku cuba tunjuk aku tidak takut, sedang dalam hati aku kecut memikirkan segala kesan dan akibat.

Tapi itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

Aku risau. Jadi aku cuba letak keadilan pada titik permulaan. Setiap laku perlu adil sama aku, itu yang aku bilang. Dan bila ia tidak, dengan sendirinya aku bertukar tempat berganti situasi. "Rasalah apa yang aku rasa dalam hati..", setelah aku beri layanan yang serupa rentak dan coraknya. Memang tidak wajar, aku tahu.

Tapi itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

Aku lembik. Jadi aku cuba berlagak gagah seolah aku punya jiwa yang amat kuat. Segala yang membinasakan aku dari dalam, aku tunjuk aku mampu lawan..tapi yang termampu olehku hanya melawan daripada luaran. Sedang dalam aku ini sekecil-kecil kuman. Tiada perhatian padanya. Aku sorok yang tidak nyata, aku ukir hanya yang sepatutnya. Dan pada aku yang sepatutnya itu cuma senjata bantu untuk yang hakikat. Sesuatu yang memberitahu, aku lembik.

Tapi itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

Aku serik. Jadi aku cuba menangkis setiap keadaan yang punya potensi untuk menghancurkan. Fikiran ini negatif di kebanyakan kalinya. Hati ini tak henti memungkinkan segala yang bisa menjatuhkan. Lebih teruk bila aku terbawa-bawa oleh perasaan begini di sepanjang jalan cerita. Maka cerita indah itu lama-lama hilang sinarnya.

Tapi itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

Aku benci. Jadi aku cuba wujudkan satu gambaran sarat dengan keterlaluan. Terlalu bahagia, terlalu cinta. Yang dalam pada itu aku bertungkus-lumus berusaha memadam kebencian pada apa yang dahulunya terpaksa aku lalui. Aku cuba rawat hati untuk dia yang takkan pernah putus asa. Aku ini punya impian untuk berhenti menangis di dalam tawa.

Akan tetapi, yang tidak mungkin itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

MAAFKAN AKU..

Tolong aku, Cinta.

18 more days.
It's getting very, very close.

Waking up in the morning, knowing that he is really coming, is the most nervous feeling that I'm having now. Yes, I get nervous when it comes to him. More than anyone could ever imagine. Every time I meet him, it always feels like the first time. Honestly.
_______________________________________________

Tapi Cinta.. kunjunganmu kali ini, aku perlukan pertolongan..


Tolonglah aku Cinta,

Diri ini minta didorongkan..

Fikiran ini minta dikemaskan..

Hati ini minta disembuhkan..

Jiwa ini minta ditenangkan..

Airmata ini minta dihentikan..

Langkah ini minta diberikan kekuatan..

Wajah ini minta diberikan harapan..


Tolonglah aku Cinta,
Kerna aku sudah lelah mempamer tawa menutup derita...

Satu itu aku.

Out of a sudden, one night, he came up to me with a question.

Let's say..
Tiba satu hari nanti, saya dah tak ada lagi, will you re-marry?


Jawabku :

No.
Why?

Katanya :

Because, if you do, saya takkan dapat jumpa awak semula di akhirat nanti. Yang ditemukan awak hanya suami yang baru.

If only.
_______________________________________________________

Kiranya, di situ, hidupnya suami isteri yang 'itu' bukan lagi dia untuk bersamaku. Seorang yang hak itu ialah si suami di kala aku meninggalkan dunia. Dan aku 'pergi' sebagai pasangannya di sana.

Aku fikir... Hidup itu sekali, mati itu sekali, dan bagiku, nikah itu juga sekali. Ijab kabul itu hanya untuk cinta yang aku kira, satu. Kerana itu aku mahu; dia yang tertulis untukku di dunia adalah dia yang sama di akhirat sana.

Tuhanku satu. Momma aku satu. Ayah juga satu. Maka dia juga satu bagiku.
Sampai bila pun itu satu ketetapan buat aku.

Bagaimana keadaannya sekalipun.

Hanya kerana aku yakin.

Tiap kali selepas bertemu Tuhanku, ini yg aku pohon dariNya :-

Aku lafazkan ayat seribu dinar dan telah menjadi routine sesudah salam.


Dan bisikku lagi :-

• ampunkan segala dosa kedua2 orang tuaku, masukkan mereka ke dalam syurgaMu, kasihanilah mereka sebagaimana mereka mengasihani aku ketika aku masih kecil.

• murahkanlah rezeki kami, permudahkan urusan kami, tunjukkan kami jalan yg sepatutnya kami lalui, dan peliharalah kesihatan kami.

• ampunilah segala dosa2 ku, berkatilah hidupku, terangkanlah hatiku, tenangkanlah hatiku, redhailah segala amalku, sembuhkanlah aku drpd dua penyakit hidupku, & makbulkanlah hajatku.

• panjangkanlah jodohku bersamanya "...(ku titipkan nama penuh cintaku)..." , kuatkan hati kami, lahirkan impian kami. Sesungguhnya Engkau yg Maha mengetahui setiap apa yg terbaik untuk kami. Kau terangkan & tenangkanlah hatinya, pelihara kesihatannya serta permudahkanlah urusannya.

• aku bersyukur di atas segala nikmatMu, aku bersyukur di atas segala pertolonganMu, hanya kepada Engkau aku memohon segala sesuatu.
  

Hanya kerana aku yakin Engkau itu Maha adil, aku pohon kekuasaanMu.

JAI DETOMASO ku..

***

Keindahanmu mencipta keindahanku.
Kesabaranmu memupuk kesabaranku.
Kekuatanmu menambah kekuatanku.
Kecantikanmu mengalah kecantikanku. (ya, kamu lelaki cantik!)
Kepintaranmu menerbit kepintaranku.
Kebaikanmu membuka kebaikanku.
Kesanggupanmu merintis kesanggupanku.
Keikhlasanmu menyinar keikhlasanku.
Maka yang benarnya,
Kesempurnaanku adalah kesempurnaanmu...

*77 Things I Really Love About You*

1. I love the fact on how you first fell in love with me since we were small.

2. I love the fact on how we once lived So close to one another (since we were born) yet we never knew about it until recently.

3. I love the Perfect personality in you.

4. I love the fact that we have So Many things in common.

5. I love the way you live your life; for you are as simple as I am.

6. I love your smiles and laughter.

7. I love your sense of humour.

8. I love your smell.

9. I love the way you look after shower; very pretty..

10. I love you because you're a low-profile person; as humble as you can be.

11. I love your soft touch; you have very special hands.

12. I love the way you really care and worry about me.

13. I love the way you treat my family.

14. I love the fact that you are completely honest with me.

15. I love your loyalty.

16. I love the way you trust me.

17. I love the way you drive.

18. I love your voice when you say sorry.

19. I love the patience in you.

20. I love the fact that you understand me.

21. I love your tolerance and considerations.

22. I love the times when you're shy but you still manage to look cool.

23. I love the times when you couldn't even smile; when you transform into 'The scary monster'. ;)

24. I love the way you always want to be pampered.

25. I love the things that you do for me.

26. I love the fact that you're smart.

27. I love the way you appreciate me.

28. I love how thoughtful you are.

29. I love the way you persuade me.

30. I love how protective you are.

31. I love your willingness.

32. I love you because you are a very, very well-mannered man.

33. I love the way you give in to me.

34. I love the fact of how romantic you are.

35. I love the fact that your gorgeousness melts me.

36. I love how you always suggest me the right solutions to everything.

37. I love how you make it all seem possible to me.

38. I love how you remember all the important things.

39. I love the way you compliment me.

40. I love the fact that you want only the best for me.

41. I love your sincerity.

42. I love the way you treat me.

43. I love the fact that you got me super excited each time I see you.

44. I love the fact that even though we're 16, 900 kilometres apart, you're always there for me.

45. I love you because you're very calm.

46. I love the way you offer me endless support when times are tough.

47. I love how you demand respect but not controlling.

48. I love how you come to me crying like a little boy when you're Really down.

49. I love the way you think about every single thing.

50. I love the fact that I enjoy every moment with you.

51. I love the fact that you make me the Luckiest girl in the world just by having you.

52. I love the fact that you never take me for granted.

53. I love how helpful you are as a person.

54. I love your gentleness.

55. I love the childishness in you; it makes you the cutest guy on Earth.

56. I love the way you bring so much happiness and excitement into my life.

57. I love the fact that you've got manly skills and that's So adorable.

58. I love your incredibly beautiful brown eyes.

59. I love your baby-smooth skin.

60. I love the fact that you always know what's right and what's not; to do things correctly & avoid doing the wrong things.

61. I love the way you write to me in all your lovely cards and letters (and even the ripped-off newspaper). You are So sweet.

62. I love the fact that you always have dreams on me.

63. I love how forgiving you are as a person.

64. I love the way you know how to comfort me whenever I stress out.

65. I love the fact that we have a very strong chemistry.

66. I love the fact that our love is extraordinary; it's like no other.

67. I love when you talk about our future and sound serious about it. :)

68. I love how neat a man you are.

69. I love the fact that you're able to put up with my annoying character.

70. I love the fact that you accept me the way I am.

71. I love the way you define your life priorities.

72. I love the fact that you get along well with people.

73. I love the way you really put effort to gain weight for me. =D

74. I love the way you respond to my jokes.

75. I love the way you've always wanted to sing even when I asked you not to. =P

76. I love the fact that all the little things actually make me love you More Each Day.

77. And last but not least, I love you because you are simply Worth to love...



I can never thank God enough for being given the chance to be with someone like You...

Baby you know I could write 77 millions and more but this is just a short list to at least bring a smile on your face after those exhausting overnight site visits..

=)

I Just Love You.

I KEEP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU...

Dear Princess,

I am unbelievably lucky to have you in my life.

I think the sweetest thing that can happen to anyone is to meet that special person who makes you feel like you're living in a dream come true.
That's what this is like for me.
It's like that with every smile, every touch, every memory we make.

When almost every day we have together is the kind that you don't want to end, that's when you know the love is real, and it's when you realize what a treasure you're holding on to.

Every time we're together, just doing all the things that lovers and best friends and dreamers do, I keep falling in love with you, over and over again.

I could spend FOREVER doing this. And I hope you know how thankful I am for all the incredibly precious things, you bring into my life.

-Prince


p/s : Thank you.. *smiles*

Welcome, LIFE.

FINALLY FOUND...'THE' EXTRAORDINARY.


*bahagia. . .more than I can tell*