The Colourless Rainbow

Semat dalam diri, kekal dalam hati, ingat sampai mati.

2010-10-18T18:02:00.033+11:00

Yang paling aku ingat (dan harus sentiasa ingat) dalam gurauan tersirat sang ustaz (tentang alam sah berpasangan) :

1. Saling melengkapi. Apa yg tak ada pada kita, ada pada pasangan. Vice versa. Don't ever play the blame game. If he couldn't do something as you would expect, You do it. If you couldn't make him something that he thought you could, he shall do it then. Never expect your other half to know and do everything, because you don't & you can't do everything either. Help complete each other.

2. Jadi pendengar bila dimarahi. Even if you're not listening, just pretend that you are. Do not raise your voice to one another & of course, don't let the other person does that to you as well. Draw a limit if you don't want to lose respect. Create some borders, but not boundaries. When he talks, you listen. Vice versa. Only discuss when the situation is less tense.

3. Lalui tiap hari with excitement, jgn kalah pada stress. If you think everything is stressing you out (and allowing pressure to get in the way) most of the time, then what won't? If work is stressing you out, your surroundings are, marriage is, friends are, then what on Earth makes you happy? Be in charge of your mind, take control of your mood. Today is different from yesterday. Every one thing that you look forward to has its own degree of excitement. Let some happiness crawl in between your hectic life & tight schedules. Do not alleviate stress and surrender to it.

4. Sayang keluarga mereka sama seperti darah daging sendiri. If you feel like you need more of his time & attention devoted to you and only you, always remind yourself that you now have two sets of parents and extra number of siblings. Each & every single person is now your family. Learn to love them unconditionally, the same way you love your own flesh and blood. Be yourself and try not to treat them like strangers. Don't get awkward, learn to develop closeness.

5. 'Diam, tarik nafas dalam2, sabar..' are always the better options in most situations. Always control your temper. He's another entity, bukan hakmilik mutlak. Vice versa. He's not a material that you own. You are there to accompany each other, do everything together. Bukan lagak sama seperti tuan & pengikutnya. Or like a pet & his owner.

6. Love, Thank you, Rindu, Please, and Sorry.. are the most important words in life. Because again, neither you nor him are leaders / followers. You are partners, of equal shareholders. Jangan mengarah & memerintah. Such things will slowly menjauhkan hati pasangan. (Tawar hati is the main symptom of separations, in most cases.)

7. Because perempuan tidak wajib mencari nafkah (juga memasak dll.) but nowadays women are no longer housewives & majority are career-women, therefore your partner should always help with house chores because both of you work hard to earn money for a living and you get tired after work everyday, so be fair to each other. Nothing should be one-sided. Sedangkan men yang much stronger than women pun letih di hujung hari, apa lagi kaum wanita. If you don't have a superpower yourself, don't ridiculously expect your other half to have that super extra energy ya.

Semoga berjaya mencapai matlamat sebenar sesebuah perkahwinan. Well well.. good luck ;)

bicara aku yang rindu. pada apa sebenarnya, aku tidak tahu.

2010-08-29T07:43:00.008+10:00

kamu wajib dibenci.

tapi..

ego aku belum cukup tinggi untuk lupakan kamu.

sedang hati aku belum cukup sembuh untuk maafkan kamu.

anehnya,

aku tidak pernah mampu,

untuk benar2 benci kamu..

Long stories made short.

2009-12-25T22:14:00.008+11:00

September - I was harassed at workplace. I quit. Baby came to Melby.

October - I got a new job, just across the road. Convenient, not dodgy like my previous job, good pay.

November - Had the most meaningful and memorable birthday ever in my life. My 24th. I owe both baby and Hanna big time for the awesome celebration. It's indescribable, really.

But hey, God often puts you into the furnace of affliction as an answer to your prayers for more patience, doesn't He?
A few days after...my only sister got kidnapped, bashed, robbed, and dumped alive in an unconscious mode. Only God knows how strong Hanna is.. and for all of that, may He protect her beautiful soul, always..
And 'thank you' is never enough to thank you, baby. You're indeed our hero. Also for the rest of our lives insyaAllah.

Momma came down under to be with us. I was having my final exams at the same time. Again...I don't know how, but Allah obviously eases everything for me. Even at the very last minute, I got through all because of His miracles.

December - Baby got a job in Melby. My handsome boy is now a graduate engineer. Now..here I am back in Malaysia for summer hols. May the new year treat me better. Because I'm currently lost..and torn between love, responsibilities, and lust. The world has taken its toll on me..

Love-hate

2009-09-29T13:10:00.004+10:00

September 17th, 2009.
9.35pm

"Salam, ___...how's things? I heard a lot about you struggling for almost everything that you're going through..

Mmg tak dinafikan, abg adalah black sheep dalam hal ni... tapi abg sentiasa mohon pada Tuhan tiap hari agar you bahagia, berjaya dan yang paling diharapkan, __ dapat terima abang semula as one of us...

Mungkin pada masa ini hanya doa yang mampu abg panjatkan, tetapi insyaAllah sedikit masa lagi abg akan tebus salah abg dgn __.. dgn apa cara sekalipun asalkan silaturrahim kita tak terputus disebabkan kealpaan abg mengejar kekayaan at one time.. lantas Tuhan tarik nikmat2 tu dari abg...

___, abg cuma harap __ jgn give up dgn abg ya.. I'll prove it to you that I am made for something good.. Till then, __ jaga diri & good luck for your coming exam ya. I miss you.."

Harapan saya sempena Hari Raya.

2009-09-22T17:06:00.009+10:00

Awak,

Saya kuat merengek mahukan perhatian, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat mengaruk, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat menangis sampai menghentak-hentak kaki, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat teruja menjerit nyaring, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat bising2 walau hanya luka sikit, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat memberontak setiap kali tak dapat apa yang saya nak, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat merajuk sampai ketara berubah air muka, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat tak puas hati bila kena berkongsi, macam budak kecil.

Saya kuat merepek dan merapu, macam budak kecil.

Saya harap, awak cukup kuat untuk jaga saya, walaupun saya macam budak kecil.

Saya harap, awak cukup kuat untuk bertahan dengan saya, walaupun saya tetap macam budak kecil, sampai bila-bila.

Janji ya?

Dia dan Lelaki Itu.

2009-09-09T21:37:00.008+10:00

Dia sayang lelaki itu. Lain daripada yang sebelumnya. Dia terlalu yakin bahawa lelaki itu dicipta untuknya. Dan kerana hati dia penuh cinta, dia serahkan segala-galanya. Hanya pada lelaki itu.

Dia mahu setiap pengajaran lalu, walau silap sebesar zarah, dipadam terus, mati di situ. Sumpah tidak sanggup diulang dek waktu.

Maka dia jadi pendesak. Memaksa setiap inci situasi menjadi jauh lebih indah dari yang lalu. Timbul punca sebesar zarah, dia langsung hilang arah. Mereka-mereka yang tahu, mereka kata dia trauma. Mereka kata dia paranoid. Mereka kata dia masih di bawah, menggapai-gapai, tercari-cari lelaki itu.

Bila dicapaikan tangan padanya, dia sambut lega. Namun..hakikat pahitnya, dalam bahagia, dia tetap lelah mencari nyawa. Mengapa ya.. Mereka kata, dia masih gentar, takutkan segala. Dia rasa, dia sedang sesat mencari sempurna.

Sempurna, padanya, bukan seperti yang mereka-mereka fikirkan. Juga bukan seperti yang lelaki itu sangka. Sempurna itu adalah apabila lelaki itu rasa, setiap detik itu mahu wujudnya dia. Bila dia kata 'mahu', ertinya lelaki itu sangat perlu, ertinya lelaki itu tidak henti merindu, ertinya lelaki itu ikhlas menunggu. Lelaki itu harus 'mahu'kan dia lebih dari semua. Dan dia katakan sempurna apabila perasaan itu kekal tidak berubah, hingga ke hujungnya.

Hanya lelaki itu yang dia agungkan. Salahkah jika pada yang satu itulah dia panjatkan setinggi harapan? Yang dia hamparkan seluas perasaan? Yang dia pinta sepenuh perhatian? Dan jangan ada ketika di mana lelaki itu melontar kata sekadar mahu menyedap rasa, kerana dia benar-benar pegang kuat sampai mati. Jangan berjanji jika bukan cinta dia yang diimpi! Tiap tutur kata akan dia nanti..sepenuh hati. Maka jangan terlalu berani..jangan berjanji, wahai lelaki. Kerana dia tidak punya apa-apa tanpa cinta.

Tolong jangan salahkan dia kerana dia tidak pernah minta menjadi mangsa! Dia hanya 'mahu' lelaki itu, apa adanya, biar apa orang kata, dia hanya tahu mendesak rasa cinta. Tolong jangan salahkan dia bila tidak kisahkan segala kerana terlalu cinta. Yang dia tahu dia hanya 'mahu' lelaki itu, sampai akhir masa.

hari ini hati mati

2009-08-15T22:28:00.001+10:00

hari ini
aku rasa bodoh
aku rasa malang
aku rasa teruk

hari ini
aku rasa penat dengan semua
aku rasa tidak mahu menjaga
aku rasa gelapnya cahaya

hari ini
aku rasa aku jatuh

hari ini
aku rasa aku betul-betul jauh

s p e e c h l e s s

2009-07-30T08:19:00.015+10:00

After the last email in which he simply crossed me out, denied every little detail, replied me cynically and very rudely (on March 8th at 4.08pm), now out of a sudden, on my cellphone he goes. . .

"__, it's been a while since we had a chat, and as I remembered, the last time wasn't that great either. How you doing anyway? If __ still mad kat abg, abg faham and I do resent myself even till today. Kesilapan abang concludes those slack figures on your GPA paper. It has scratched part of your success path which I have made you bear with it yourself longer than I can remember. That was obviously the selfishness I had in me, but not anymore, not since a while now. I want you to know that I'm doing everything I can to straighten things up with the four of you. The problem we have in the family at this moment is indeed my fault, but in God's name I'm looking forward for a redemption so that things are not as bad as they are now. I just hope one day you'll forgive me. I made huge mistakes, but I'm not a bad person, __. You know me better than anyone else in the family. Ok la, you take care for now eh. --abg."

July 23rd '09, 8.23pm

***********

And then this...

"Remember the time we had a quarrel and I said you're wrong about me, I lied. You're right in the very beginning.."

July 24th '09, 2.00pm

***********

I TOLD YOU SO. I KNEW IT ALL ALONG. DIDN'T I?

And still knowing him, his pride & his pretentious self,
what is left? what is there for me to believe?

Syukur Sang Pencinta..

2009-07-26T09:04:00.016+10:00

Kelihatannya persis terlalu taksub, mungkin. Kelihatannya seperti tidak terbatas..tidak ada had, mungkin. Mungkin juga kelihatannya jemu, hampir setiap kali dikhabarkan jiwa itu. Jiwa yang sama.

YA, AKU SANG PENCINTA.

Keruh itu aku ukur di sepanjang jalan.
Yang indah aku pungut di setiap jejak.
Jahat itu aku rasa di hela nafas ini.
Yang baik itu aku takluk dalam hati.

Hidup aku ikhlas menggarisi cinta pada semua.

dan pada Kau yang sentiasa buat aku redha kerana percayakan hikmahnya, terima kasih..terima kasih wahai Tuhan, Kau beri aku udara bersih yang bisa ku hembus bebas. Kau beri aku dalami matangnya segala rasa. Kau beri aku puas dengan apa adanya.

Kau beri aku dia untuk benar-benar aku cinta.

Dusta Pada Rasa.

2009-07-22T08:58:00.016+10:00

Jangan bilang yang aku ini tidak mengerti kamu bila kamu juga tidak kenal sama aku.

Jangan bilang yang aku ini tidak yakin pada dalamnya cinta bila kamu juga ragu tentang itu.

Jangan bilang yang aku ini tidak percaya pada kata bila kamu bijak merombak maksudnya.

Jangan bilang yang aku ini penambah depresi kamu bila kamu yang keliru tentang itu.

Jangan bilang yang aku ini tidak ambil tahu bila kamu juga punya tembok ego itu.

Jangan bilang yang aku ini tidak menerima bila kamu itu langsung menyalahkan.

Jangan bilang yang aku tidak menjaga bila kamu harusnya turut pelihara.

Jangan bilang kamu kecewa bila aku pamerkan semangat yang hilang ini, juga hati yang menangis menjauh, dan kekuatan yang tidak mampu aku lakonkan lagi.

Jangan.

No fullstop. Never.

2009-07-15T23:59:00.009+10:00

You get the same bloody treatment...until this very day. The kinda treatment that you do NOT deserve at all. You laugh and kid as much as you want with everyone. Without feeling awkward. Without feeling guilty. Without feeling disappointed with your own self after everything that you've done. I blame momma for not helping. Your attitude towards the whole thing just never gets any better. Well I think she's being unfair. But she said this is the best that she could do, for everyone. I still don't think so.

Oh my..this is truly a dissatisfaction. My endless frustration.

God bless!

2009-07-07T11:32:00.003+10:00

No one can know what's the outcome of
spending years together will be..
Being happy together in a long distance relationship is a gift,
and enduring love is the key.Everything has worked right for us so far.
May our future bring more of the same,
and our love remain strong and true.

***

..you at your nights & me in my days..

***

Another year to create priceless memories together.
Another year to discover new things to enjoy about each other.
Another year to build a life rich in love and laughter.
Another year to strengthen a relationship that defines "forever"..

Happy Anniversary.
THANK YOU MY DEAR PERFECTION

Oh sinner, there you are!

2009-06-10T00:05:00.004+10:00

He's back. Yes, finally.
Thinner than ever. With severe gout.

There goes all the anger. Passed by. Flown!
JUST LIKE THAT.

It's all about pity and sympathy now. HUH!

I hope he dies.

Dia, sebenarnya.

2009-06-04T01:31:00.006+10:00

Dia desak rasa gembira datang tanpa henti kerana dia punya tekanan yang tidak seorang pun mengerti.
Fahamkan dia.. Biar hilang tangisannya.

Dia terkasar bahasa kerana dia masih merangkak mencari tenangnya jiwa.
Tolong.. Maafkan dia.

Dia pertahankan keputusannya kerana jujurnya, niat hati itu telus.
Percayakan dia.. Percaya pada hatinya.

Dia cuba kawal rasa rindu yang melangit hanya kerana dia tidak mahu terus lemah tanpamu.
Dorong semangat itu.. Gagahi dia.

Dia cuba untuk kurang bergantung padamu kerana dia mahu kamu senang dengan hadirnya.
Buka mata.. Kagumi dia.

Dia perjuangkan cinta kerana cinta itu nyawa padanya.
Tolong hargai..rasa cintanya.

Stronger !

2009-05-24T01:28:00.016+10:00

Off to Greece he went, for approximately 12 days.. and I felt very different. Oh, skype is not available when roaming. And when I called, he got charged double. So yea, for 12 days we went on-and-off. My first prevention of getting too *emotionally* caught-up was that...I wasn't even there, at home, in front of the lappie to look at him thru the webbie when he was about to leave for the airport. No, I seriously couldn't take it. That's why. Knowing that the distance has already been such an obstacle, the fact that he'll be going further away, will definitely create an indirect tension, building up the pain. So I chose not to really think about it. It, not him.

Well I went out with friends almost every single day, and spent the first couple of days at home just because Hanna's friend was leaving for Nottingham. Soon after, I got myself out of the house again..all-day..back & forth..just to kill the time.

JUST-TO-KILL-THE-TIME.

Went to school w/out him, went to work w/out him, went for grocery-shopping w/out him, completed my assignments w/out him, slept at nights w/out him on the other line, and I woke up w/out hearing him too.

Only for a few times that we're lucky enough to be able to talk, provided that his credits are reloaded again & again, by asking the favour from his friend back in London..which is, another bit of complication on his side. Hmmm. And we thought, "oh, poor us.."

Dear mind, that shouldn't be the way to view any matter in the first place.

Oh, he'll be back to Kensington in two days' time. And once he does, everything will then..be different again. See what I mean?

For sure, many things have made me learn...from 11-days of my random, silent thoughts.

I heard..

The most important thing to take control over is.. your mind.

-- Easy to say.. But at rare, it is possible. Actually.

The simplest way to keep your mind off disturbance is to keep yourself occupied. Friends. Friends. Friends.

--Sometimes it works, but you most probably still get distracted in between.

Follow heart desires, i.e. if going for retail therapy can at least make you feel a bit better on the inside, why not?

--Well, because something is always better than nothing, so yup, it works!

Don't watch love movies; be it romcoms or sad, draggy ones when he's away.

--If it's me, yes I won't watch 'em. My heart is too fragile it could be broken anytime if triggered. It makes you long for him more than anything, right at that very moment. Which is indeed Impossible.

Sing your heart out and laugh out loud.

--It works, only if you know Where and When you should/shouldn't do it. Because somehow, it Does release your depression. Really.

***

These are some of the many that I applied to my own self. It was quite a relieve to have successfully gone through the days without any breakdowns. Somehow, I'm impressed of how the little things could cause such changes in a very short term, and I hope it is always for the better. That is, to make me stronger. :)

Have you?

2009-04-30T14:44:00.016+10:00

Have you ever felt really bad?

Have you ever felt really low?

Have you ever felt horrible?

Have you ever felt so weak?

Have you ever felt helpless?

Have you ever felt stepped on?

Have you ever felt terribly upset?

Have you ever felt a sharp pain inside your heart?

Have you ever felt like you're of no good?

Have you ever felt like it is no longer the way it used to be?

Have you ever felt that a slight pressure can even take your breath away?

Have you ever felt too sensitive & too emotional over little things that you think should matter?

Have you ever felt deeply hurt and there's nowhere to go & no one to run to???

='(

..I have. And hopefully, they are just there for today.
HOPEFULLY.

Until we meet again.

2009-04-23T10:26:00.027+10:00

Cinta, I REALLY THANK YOU FOR COMING.

:)
Bahagia itu ada sama saya.
Sempurna itu cuma awak di mata saya.
Indah itu bukan hanya kata-kata..kerna cinta kita punya segalanya.

*******

Like always, I can never thank you enough. . .
Best wishes for your final exam, dearest. I'll pray for you, all the way.
And baby.. I promise to take extra care of our turquoise fighter fish okay.

'' Turqomaso ''

MY HANDSOME PRINCE, MY PRETTY BOY, MY CUNGPIPITAILALATMATACOKLAT!

2009-03-29T02:39:00.007+11:00

I COULD'T SLEEP. HE'S ARRIVING IN 4 HOURS TIME!!!
I'M TOO EXCITED, TOO EAGER, TOO NERVOUS,
AND JUST TOO HAPPY!!!
I'M FEELING CONTENT. THANKFUL, FOR HIM. I CAN NEVER BE GRATEFUL ENOUGH FOR SUCH A PERFECT SOULMATE. I'LL DO MY BEST TO APPRECIATE YOUR GIFT FOR ME, TUHAN. I'LL TRY NOT TO HURT HIM, FOR ALL MY LIFE.
AND I WILL NEVER, EVER GIVE UP TRYING.

IF ONLY I CAN CLEARLY EXPRESS, IF ONLY I CAN CLEARLY TELL...HOW MUCH I LOVE.

My world has actually stopped spinning, long before.

2009-03-27T21:36:00.005+11:00

Or maybe it's just taking its break.

It wasn't you. It is not, and never will it be.
I didn't know that I'm still impacted, affected, hurt.
I didn't realize that.
Yes I got over him, yes I got over his love.
But to get over the past, show me who can possibly do so.

Do I need you really closely to help, to guide, to lead, to discover & bring me into that much better world of yours?
Do I need more time just so I could fully recover?
Do I need to get involved in an accident and hope to get amnesia so that I can start fresh?
Do I need to patiently wait and passively love while fighting with fear?

Perhaps I just need to take one step at a time to walk my own self into light, where I see no more darkness. And that light, is certainly coming from your side.

I know.

Kelemahan ini melemahkan.

2009-03-27T17:51:00.012+11:00

Aku takut. Jadi aku cuba berani dengan apa saja bentuk kekasaran. Sedikit tinggi suara kau pada aku, aku jawab dengan nada lebih tinggi daripada itu. Aku cuba tunjuk aku tidak takut, sedang dalam hati aku kecut memikirkan segala kesan dan akibat.

Tapi itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

Aku risau. Jadi aku cuba letak keadilan pada titik permulaan. Setiap laku perlu adil sama aku, itu yang aku bilang. Dan bila ia tidak, dengan sendirinya aku bertukar tempat berganti situasi. "Rasalah apa yang aku rasa dalam hati..", setelah aku beri layanan yang serupa rentak dan coraknya. Memang tidak wajar, aku tahu.

Tapi itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

Aku lembik. Jadi aku cuba berlagak gagah seolah aku punya jiwa yang amat kuat. Segala yang membinasakan aku dari dalam, aku tunjuk aku mampu lawan..tapi yang termampu olehku hanya melawan daripada luaran. Sedang dalam aku ini sekecil-kecil kuman. Tiada perhatian padanya. Aku sorok yang tidak nyata, aku ukir hanya yang sepatutnya. Dan pada aku yang patut itu adalah senjata bantu untuk yang hakikat. Sesuatu yang memberitahu, aku lembik.

Tapi itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

Aku serik. Jadi aku cuba menangkis setiap keadaan yang punya potensi untuk menghancurkan. Fikiran ini negatif di kebanyakan kalinya. Hati ini tak henti memungkinkan segala yang bisa menjatuhkan. Lebih teruk bila aku terbawa-bawa oleh perasaan begini di sepanjang jalan cerita. Maka cerita indah itu lama-lama hilang sinarnya.

Tapi itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

Aku benci. Jadi aku cuba wujudkan satu gambaran sarat dengan keterlaluan. Terlalu bahagia, terlalu cinta. Yang dalam pada itu aku bertungkus-lumus berusaha memadam kebencian pada apa yang dahulunya terpaksa aku lalui. Aku cuba rawat hati untuk dia yang takkan pernah putus asa. Aku ini punya impian untuk berhenti menangis di dalam tawa.

Akan tetapi, yang tidak mungkin itulah yang aku belajar daripada yang terdahulu.

MAAFKAN AKU..

Damned.

2009-03-16T02:58:00.000+11:00

As expected.
Very predictable.

They should have known.

So you did not come back, and here you go again with your "I'll be back next week".

Heh, tell me about it.

You're indeed the most perfect definition of Bullshit.

Tolong aku, Cinta.

2009-03-11T02:41:00.002+11:00

18 more days.
It's getting very, very close.

Waking up in the morning, knowing that he is really coming, is the most nervous feeling that I'm having now. Yes, I get nervous when it comes to him. More than anyone could ever imagine. Every time I meet him, it always feels like the first time. Honestly.
_______________________________________________

Tapi Cinta.. kunjunganmu kali ini, aku perlukan pertolongan..

Tolonglah aku Cinta,

Diri ini minta didorongkan..

Fikiran ini minta dikemaskan..

Hati ini minta disembuhkan..

Jiwa ini minta ditenangkan..

Airmata ini minta dihentikan..

Langkah ini minta diberikan kekuatan..

Wajah ini minta diberikan harapan..

Tolonglah aku Cinta,
Kerna aku sudah lelah mempamer tawa menutup derita...

Too much is never enough?!

2009-02-21T12:04:00.009+11:00

Alrite that's it. Enough. Stop promising, LIAR!! Don't give em shits, man. I've had enough of you. But the problem now is that momma is Hoping and ayah is Expecting.
whereas You, oh..NOTHING!!!

I'm getting really fed up with all these. It's messing up with my mind too much. If I were given choices, I'd definitely choose Not to know, Not to listen, and Not to have anything to do with you anymore, Not even a slightest bit that I don't want to even hear your name mentioned in front of me!! Seriously NOT.

It gets on my nerves, it sickens me, it's killing my empathy for MY parents (don't you dare claim them yours too!), it annoys the hell outta me, it distracts my mind from what I was supposed to focus on, it irritates me so much with ppl asking me this and that about you, it really really Does put a lotta stress on me..to the extent that I had to reluctantly keep it all to myself cuz I'm fuckin tired of havin to talk about you, havin to THINK of the whys and hows of your unacceptable attitude towards everything!! I am seriously sick of you.

I really, really don't want to know ANYTHING about you anymore. ANYTHING AT ALL. I get terribly 'disturbed' just by hearing your name and looking at your photos. Unfortunately my situation and condition at the moment leaves me with no other option than the need to lend my ears & to advice, trying my best to comfort Hanna with opinions. Whilst she has to bear that from Momma. AS IF we have nothing else better to do (unlike you)! Like I fuckin care?? WTH.

Yes it's good for me that I've made myself clear to both MY parents that I don't have anymore faith in you. And I thought, THAT IS IT. But hey, guess I have nowhere to run huh, bcuz up to this point, I still Need to be there for them. Though I seriously don't want to, anymore. I thought I've had enough that you would eventually stop bothering momma and let we live our lives peacefully..but my prediction was totally wrong. Urgh.

I don't understand you, shit. You've been saying extremely awful things about MY father, you've been hating him all your life (apparently), you've been wanting to go as far as you could; away from him, you've been thinking that you're better off by yourself since you were bloody small, you've been enjoying doing bad shits behind everyone, you're not scared of the authority, MY parents, and Tuhan as a matter of fact. So...WHY are you still doing this??? Why do you still want to continue playing this stupid game of yours with everyone that matters to US?? Didn't you know that all these will affect MY family so badly?? Stop making calls to MY mother and MY relatives cuz all you do is giving them ENDLESS false hopes!!! It breaks my heart knowing that you're faking it. Every single word, every single emotion, every single time! And who the fuck's gotta answer all the questions & curiousity later, non-other than me, MY sister and MY parents?? What are we supposed to say?????? Dyu think MY father can simply make up awesome stories of you at an instant, without the feel of dying on d inside??? Are you even sane enough to have some thoughts on these?? I bet with my life, you're fuckin Not!

And look, if this time around you Still come up with your ever-so-lame excuses, at the very last minute, I won't hesitate no more to start revealing the REAL you to the world. Not that pretentious world of yours, dammit. The real world it is. And it's about time that I want you to face it yourself. Get up while you still can.

Whatever happens on March 14th, we shall wait and see.

Satu itu aku.

2009-01-25T22:34:00.007+11:00

Out of a sudden, one night, he came up to me with a question.

Let's say..
Tiba satu hari nanti, saya dah tak ada lagi, will you re-marry?

Jawabku :

No.
Why?

Katanya :

Because, if you do, saya takkan dapat jumpa awak semula di akhirat nanti. Yang ditemukan awak hanya suami yang baru.

If only.
_______________________________________________________

Kiranya, di situ, hidupnya suami isteri yang 'itu' bukan lagi dia untuk bersamaku. Seorang yang hak itu ialah si suami di kala aku meninggalkan dunia. Dan aku 'pergi' sebagai pasangannya di sana.

Aku fikir... Hidup itu sekali, mati itu sekali, dan bagiku, nikah itu juga sekali. Ijab kabul itu hanya untuk cinta yang aku kira, satu. Kerana itu aku mahu; dia yang tertulis untukku di dunia adalah dia yang sama di akhirat sana.

Tuhanku satu. Momma aku satu. Ayah juga satu. Maka dia juga satu bagiku.
Sampai bila pun itu satu ketetapan buat aku.

Bagaimana keadaannya sekalipun.

One after Another..

2009-01-23T10:31:00.008+11:00

It's different.

Having to take extra care from the 20th onwards, I can feel that it's a lot different now. Bout everyday-life, eating habits, daily routines, sleeping hours, health conditions, etc. Extra concern on every single aspect of life, like there's two me. Two me that I have to look after. Not to say that it's hard, but...just.. different.

Thing is, I worry more.
Which leads me to do more thinking..
And worse, of the unnecessaries.

I need to calm myself down everytime. I need my heart to beat slower each time. I need more patience to get things done. Getting it all quickly accomplished really exhausts me! Really. Moreover, with the trouble of having a good sleep, I'm always restless during the day & appear extremely lethargic during the night.

These things have been putting me under so much stress without notice. I get stressed out most of the time. And I don't want it to stay that way. Stress develops anger. I have many hearts to look after, so please, stress..just go away.

I need more rest. Mentally, especially.

Gimme a break. =(

But then again, this is life; always one after another..

Hanya kerana aku yakin.

2009-01-03T22:40:00.012+11:00

Tiap kali selepas bertemu Tuhanku, ini yg aku pohon dariNya :-

Aku lafazkan ayat seribu dinar dan telah menjadi routine sesudah salam.

Dan bisikku lagi :-

ampunkan segala dosa kedua2 orang tuaku, masukkan mereka ke dalam syurgaMu, kasihanilah mereka sebagaimana mereka mengasihani aku ketika aku masih kecil.

murahkanlah rezeki kami, permudahkan urusan kami, tunjukkan kami jalan yg sepatutnya kami lalui, dan peliharalah kesihatan kami.

ampunilah segala dosa2 ku, berkatilah hidupku, terangkanlah hatiku, tenangkanlah hatiku, redhailah segala amalku, sembuhkanlah aku drpd dua penyakit hidupku, & makbulkanlah hajatku.

panjangkanlah jodohku bersamanya "...(ku titipkan nama penuh cintaku)..." , kuatkan hati kami, lahirkan impian kami. Sesungguhnya Engkau yg Maha mengetahui setiap apa yg terbaik untuk kami. Kau terangkan & tenangkanlah hatinya, pelihara kesihatannya serta permudahkanlah urusannya.

aku bersyukur di atas segala nikmatMu, aku bersyukur di atas segala pertolonganMu, hanya kepada Engkau aku memohon segala sesuatu.

Hanya kerana aku yakin Engkau itu Maha adil, aku pohon kekuasaanMu.

Okay, fate is written.

2008-12-30T17:09:00.016+11:00

Letihnya.

I really want a break. Urgh. Baby told me to treat my masters as a vacation..like on & off, and to enjoy it, as this is a field of my own choice anyways. But then again, he's coming for a month, in the middle of the semester, and I REALLY don't wanna be busy with homework & classes & labs OMG...i wanna have 100% of the time all to myself, with him by my side. And now, it's obviously impossible for me to do so! I know. Urgh. How to go to places when I'm fully occupied 5 days a week, and I'm pretty sure that if I hv school on the weekdays, that means I hv to work at cydus on the weekends! Hmmmmm. =(

On the other hand, mama & ayah are leaving on the 20th. Cari rumah tak dpt2 lagi. I need to move out of my current apartment by Feb 3rd. *sigh* Enough of living in the city, I thought of staying in the suburbs. Any one that's within the proximity of my new school. Oh, talking bout that, I'm actually very relieved that somehow, because of what had happened, Hanna will be studying over here with me. How awesome! God's great. I'm really, really grateful. At least now I have someone near me to depend on, a wee bit. =P

Well~ a definite yes, fate is all written & ready. And that's undeniable sama sekali.

Finale!

2008-12-18T23:09:00.010+11:00

Selesai. Okay, after yesterday, I can now focus on house hunting! But hmpf~ I've another issue..accepting the offer for a master degree in Swinburne or staying back in aussie on...i-dunno-which-visa am I eligible for if I defer my offer to the next intake, which will be in July '09. *sigh*

Kalau lah kau tak seleweng ratusan ribu tu.. Huh. Kau memang manusia takde hati.
Wait, manusia ke ?? HUH..

........................................................................................................................................................
Alrite2..not now. Cuz I have wayyyyyy better things happening!! =D

Yesterday was The day, and I had the biggest surprise on my graduation day, the most meaningful present it is!
London-Melb on the 29th of March!!!!!!!!!! weeeeeeeee~!!! THANK YOU baby for deciding to terbang lagi ke mari! I really7 appreciate it. Really.
I just couldn't stop smiling. Thank you my dearest. :)

I'm going to make your visit worthwhile and most importantly, I will give you the first class treatment that you really deserve! ;)

geez. I Can't Wait!

Done & over with!

2008-12-08T13:14:00.009+11:00

Alhamdulillah.
Finally, I'm done with my bachelor degree.

So much relieved. At least I don't have to fight so hard with the pain anymore while trying to cope up with studies & assignments. Skrg aku cuma perlu kuatkan bdn yg tak berapa kuat ni for my daily routines. But luckily, it isn't as bad anymore.

Hmm..mama, ayah & Hanna will be arriving tonight. Convocation is on the 17th.
Telstra Dome, here I come! :)
I hope I can make them happy for a while if not all the time. Free from worries...particularly the worthless ones.

And as for him, good luck and all the best to you. My prayers surround you, always.

I'm done with my battle for now. Alhamdulillah once more. Somehow, my degree years were awesome. I enjoyed life more than ever. Exams weren't as stressful as they were during diploma. Cuma this time..more exhausting. Sbb played too hard. Nk study smart, cam tak kena. So terpaksa struggle lebih. Yea I did. Yg penting, playing too hard was never a regret to me. I had my time. The Moments. Which I truly value.

Thank you b..thank you so much for being there, each and every time. Awak buat sy rasa kita tak pernah literally jauh. Thank you for the times when you patiently waited for me to finish up all my assignments & reports, one after another. Teman saya stay up tiap2 malam, teman saya settle satu2 hal during the day, and of course, thank you for giving me the strength from within. You have no idea how much it means to me. And I know...I wouldn't have beautifully done it all, if it wasn't because of you.

Thus...this one is for you. :) Congratulations baby!

JAI DETOMASO ku..

2008-11-30T10:56:00.007+11:00

***

Keindahanmu mencipta keindahanku.
Kesabaranmu memupuk kesabaranku.
Kekuatanmu menambah kekuatanku.
Kecantikanmu mengalah kecantikanku. (ya, kamu lelaki cantik!)
Kepintaranmu menerbit kepintaranku.
Kebaikanmu membuka kebaikanku.
Kesanggupanmu merintis kesanggupanku.
Keikhlasanmu menyinar keikhlasanku.
Maka yang benarnya,
Kesempurnaanku adalah kesempurnaanmu...

A brother...is lost.

2008-11-25T03:29:00.036+11:00

"2008 is a bad year for me", you said.

It's almost over now, and I think, all the years ahead are gonna be bad for you too. How does that sounds to you?

It's been a while since we last talked. or be in contact. I'm sorry but I'm left with no choice. YOU left me with no choice. You gave us shits. You were not your old self anymore. People change, I know. But if it's not for the better, then why bother changing? Is it because of your friends? Is it because of the environment? Is it because of your workplace? Is it because of your own lousy self? Or is it because of momma & ayah, like YOU said? huh. to hell. Stop blaming aimlessly. Stop thinking pointlessly. You should really make a move, at least.

"The best brother on Earth" -- I once, entitled you.. for you were a good person in general, you're likeable, you created a different atmosphere everytime you were around us; we laughed more and more along the way..and as time passes by, ayah eventually discovered his humorous side just by seeing the way you got yourself very comfortable around me, momma & Hanna.
so~ you & I, yes..WE became the best of friends ever since..

We went to school together, went back home together, we rode bicycles in the evenings, we wrestled, we played guns & wars; be it waterguns or the ones with those Painful colourful-plastic-bullets, macam-macam...police-entry, hafal sifir sama2 dkt tepi longkang sblm ayah balik kerja utk soal kita, main bola tiap2 petang kt dpn rumah, badminton, main golf smpai kne sound dgn pakcik seblah sbb gali byk sgt lubang kt tanah dia, bangun awal pagi every weekend just so we can have more time playing video games all throughout the day, kne marah & nangis sama2 sbb baca yasin tak lancar dpn ayah..we went to Every birthday parties together, we swam together, we sang a lot, we love bai roti so much; more than apek ice cream, n kita tak habis2 kantoikan each otha on ape2 je; so it's either you kne tali pinggang dgn ayah or my mouth yg kne cili dgn momma. lol. but yea, reminiscing about all of these won't make any difference at all Now. *sigh* Sad, innit?

I didn't know that it would become This serious. 'it', as in your greediness, your selfishness, and your insensitivity towards the ppl that matter most to you, Supposedly.
If you don't wanna care bout your 2 younger sisters (the only ones nways), fine, we shall live with it. But when you seemed to not take the least concern of your own parents, especially momma who has been risking herself, backing you up for every little mess you did behind ayah's back all throughout these years, well, you're shit, man.
You know how ayah is like. You know how hard it is already for momma, ever since. But you totally forgot to measure how far you can go. You've crossed the line, you've gone way beyond the limits, and you know it!

They almost got divorced when you're still a little boy. And yes, we all clearly know that it's because of you. Even you yourself know it. So hey, I guess that was a SIGN yea? You're a son of no good. Pardon me, but this is what you should see yourself as. And stop dreaming, you nuts. Stop living in your own world of fantasies. You know it won't come true. Oh wait, maybe you don't. You're a psycho.
Because of tooooooooo many lies and those countless hidden agenda of yours, because of too much indulgence in your bloody cyber circuit, you don't know the real world anymore. Is there any, aye?

You're SO bigoted.

You thought everything would be just fine one day, no matter how you act. No matter what you do. No matter where you hide. *sigh* Bullshit, man. Everything won't be fine, everything won't be back to normal, they just won't. Not the way you thought it would. NOT in a million years. So don't ever think that it would. Pls lah.

They sent you to good schools, dari kecik sampai besar, whatever you want you name it, being the only boy, you were never let down by ayah & momma. Seriously, never. You embarrassed them, pukul anak org, made them go to school jumpa principle, balik kerja kne pergi rumah org tu org ni; jumpa random kids' parents And apologize on your fuckin behalf, provide exam results yg sgt hodoh as if you're born with no brains, hisap rokok in school..With you being a prefect, ayah suruh you letak jawatan, and he transferred you to another school, malu punya pasal. And I guess, this was the point where you started to rebel..where you stopped listening, and chose to go against ayah, every single time..but worse, you chose to do it all behind his back... *sigh*

You know what..we've been admiring you so much..more than you know. How you kissed ayah & momma's hands Each time before you go to sleep and Each time before you go out, and Each time before they leave. How you never raised your voice at them, how you never forgot to knock before you enter, how you never said 'No' to them, how you never argued, how you've always been The One who kept quiet when you get scolded. And me & Hanna were always told to follow your good steps, someone who's got so much respect for his parents, in those terms.

So. Who would have thought that you'd turn out to be this way huh? You're ridiculous, bang.

You betrayed everyone's trust. You ruined Hanna's future with a really bad start. You completely lost your respect to momma. Why, why her?? She has always put you first, didn't you know that? Momma pandang tinggi pd abg. Momma always said that you understand her more than ayah does. Momma never upset you. Because you've been good to her, so good. Even me & Hanna tak mampu layan momma sebaik yg abg lakukan. Thus..of all people in the world, kenapa momma?? You hurt her bang..mentally & emotionally. Selama-lama ni momma tak pernah sekali pun shed a single tear because of you, but *sigh*..you've made her the saddest mother today..And worse, I feel like shooting right into your of-no-use-brain when momma keeps on blaming herself for ALL of your fuckin flaws. What has she done to you to deserve all this?? You tell me.

Ayah, on the other hand..is the most responsible and caring father anyone has ever known. Those who knows, ayah has priceless qualities in him that makes all of us really proud of him, kan? Kan abg?? Just by having him around, made us feel so good, secured, well-respected, honoured, prioritized, and special. He IS something. We know that, right? Ayah mulia di mata aku. Dia belakangkan diri dia utk kita semua. Setiap apa yg dia buat, dia fikirkan kita. Dan dia pernah kata, (waktu kau nk ke new zealand, sbb itu pertama kali kau jauh dari keluarga..) "Kalau apa2 jadi bang, tukar nyawa pun ayah sanggup utk kau, nak.." Ini yg benar-benar keluar dari mulut ayah..sambil berlinangan air mata dia, petang sblm keberangkatan kau ke alam durjana.
Tapi kau, macam..tak rasa apa2. . .

Haih....you're his only son, bastard. You always get more than what you deserve, for he pampered you so much. It was all ridiculously more. You noticed that, didn't you? Sampai dh jadi anak bujang pun ayah still manjakan kau..Nak apa, cakap. Nak buat apa, pergi mana, cakap. He's there to give, to provide you with your fuckin needs, and support you all the way. He might has his own ways, but I thought we're all used to it? I thought you were the one who always remind me how I should not react in certain ways when ayah was having his mood swings? I thought you were always matured enough to understand? And how mama always remind us, "Kalau yang baik itu beribu, yang buruk itu satu, fikirlah kebaikan yg beribu, lupakan buruknya yang satu itu.." Hmmmm. Sounds familiar to you?

*sigh*

You know how ayah ALWAYS wants the best for us. The best..to the extent that he had to put himself low. Real low. And us, knowing that it is impossible to pay him back for every single thing he's done for us, don't you think we should at least Appreciate?? Oh, clearly the words 'respect' & 'appreciate' dah tak wujud dlm kamus hidup abg lagi. Kan?

Obviously.

And again, bang..this isn't about money. Initially it may be, but up to this point, semua tu dah takde makna. Rezeki ada di mana-mana. Kita semua tak pernah susah, so maybe, maybe this time around memang Tuhan nak duga. So yea, money is never a problem. Believe me, it's NOT about it. Cuma mungkin sbb kita sentiasa mampu, jadi bila susah sikit, kita jadi tak menentu. Walhal, to some people, yg kita rasa susah ni lah yg 'lebih dari mewah' bagi mereka.

The issue now is...what has gotten into you..sampai tergamak sekali kau buat ayah & momma begitu. Mana pergi hati yg dulu..mana pergi pemikiran kau yg dulu..mana pergi adab itu..
And do you know that Hanna is too young to Having to accept all this? Masa depan dia baru je nak mula, tapi kau rosakkan segalanya. Mungkin aku ada, mungkin aku boleh cuba baiki her beginning chapter, but you know right..she can never forget all the shits you've done to her..So PLEASE, don't you dare try to come anywhere near her, for she has been suffering enough, more than she can actually bear. She has always mentioned how she idolizes me and how strong I am in her eyes. But you know what, the good thing out of this is that you've made her a stronger person, in a way. And shame on you, she's more matured than you are now. Wayyy matured.

Oh..brother, Aidilfitri tahun ni..you gave them your false promises again, konon nak balik nak tebus dosa..Fuck Off. I knew it. I know that you never live up to your words and ppl's expectations. Apa lagi dlm situation mcmni, aku dh agak dh. Takkan kau berani. Sebab segala musibah yg kau buat ni pun, semuanya kt belakang. Kau tak berani. Aku tau tu. You've been hiding too many things, too many that you yourself are losing the tracks. This year's Eid was supposed to be the most meaningful Eid for momma. And with you giving her hopes that you'd come back, you'd change, etc..she was So excited, enlightened, and ready to forgive. It was her birthday on the Eid itself; October 1st, in case you forgot, or intend to forget. I asked her a few days before raya, "Kalau abg tak balik, mcm mana ma.."
She replied, "Momma tunggu jgk sampai petang raya..."

. . . . . . .

And there you went, SILENT. Tak payah tunggu msg to wish her a happy birthday la, (apa lg nk harapkan kau doa dia panjang umur kan), ni...nak ucap Selamat Hari Raya and most importantly, Maaf Zahir Batin pun takde! Kau memang tak ada hati.
You're a total crap, man.
When I saw your Eid photos on Facebook, I cried.. Hati aku sakit sgt, sedih kesiankan momma.

Sebulan lepas raya, kau contact dia balik, konon cakap kau kat sana tak beraya pun, but you've got no idea how she felt masa tu, knowing that dia pun tau yg kau sbnrnya enjoy tak ingat dia lgsung. But she kept it to herself, still believing that you'd change. Still believing that you'd stop lying. Still believing that you'd one day say sorry... and mean it.

Huh. I know you better, bang. More than any other person in this world. Drama kau takkan ada ending sampai bila-bila. *sigh*

Ayah tak pernah kecewa sampai begini sekali seumur hidup dia. And momma tak pernah terlalu sedih sepanjang usia dia. Tapi kau mampu ubah segalanya, tak sangka. Ayah was involved in an accident, several days after we broke the BAD news to him. The news about You. Nasib baik dia tak sakit jantung..because we weren't there if anything happens to him, as he was all by himself in KL masa tu. Ada kau amik tau? Kalau kau diberitahu sekalipun, aku pasti kau tak kisah. At that time, momma & Hanna were still with you over there, with momma yg tiap2 hari kena put up with your multiple characters and split personalities, and Hanna yg trpaksa jadi slave ikut arahan kau utk buat itu ini.. Huh..Very unacceptable la bang..

Ayah kata kau dh mengaibkan dia. Ayah malu. The son that he's always proud of, the son that he's always talked about, the son that he's always pampered, has turned his back on him. Sampaikan..everytime momma called him to talk about you, dia terpaksa larikan diri jauh dari manusia sekeliling..jauh dari kawan2..jauh dari masyarakat.. Dia malu. The first couple of weeks tu ayah tak keluar rumah..siang malam sembahyang hajat minta Tuhan kembalikan kau yg dulu, minta Tuhan tunjukkan di mana silapnya didikan dia, minta Tuhan kuatkan hati kami utk hadapi ujian Dia.. And kau bayangkan lah..dalam rumah sendiri pun, in his bedroom, whenever he's discussing about you or calming momma down regarding you & your issues, dia kuatkan speaker TV..takut org dgr..malu pd jiran2.. Sbbnya, kau pun tahu kan..mcm mana org lain respect dia. Kau pun tahu ayah is not just Anybody. Kau tahu mcm mana org look up to him, puji sikap dia, kagum dgn cara dia.. Tapi kau betul2 hancurkan hati dia, jatuhkan air muka dia, conteng arang pdnya.. Dan paling teruk, kau takde langsung rasa bersalah. TAK ADA LANGSUNG. Anak jenis apa lah kau ni. Tak tahu bersyukur.

Aku kat sini..I'm dealing with my pain..I wasn't well most of the time, and at the same time I had to cope up with my studies, it's my final semester godammit. With you making troubles, and Hanna calling out for me every night and day mengadu nasib, you think I'm doing fine over here?? Apart from the fact that you misused Ayah's hundreds of thousand dollars and tak amanah, kau ingat aku tenang kat sini?? Kau memang tak patut. Kaulah abg yang paling pentingkan diri sendiri & anak yang paling tak sedar diri. Memang kaulah manusia itu. Kau keji. And you disgust me.

Bila momma & Hanna dh balik tanahair, sekali pun kau tak bertanya khabar. Sedangkan kau tahu momma tak sihat. Dan setiap kali yg kau contact tu pun, only based on money matters. Macam2 alasan kau bagi. Tak cukup lagi dengan apa yg melimpah-ruah depan mata. Kau nak kau sorang hidup dengan emas permata, dan biar mereka merana. Bila Hanna kata "Don't be selfish, you're unfair". Kau bingkas jwb "No, you guys are unfair, I'm not". Kau memang bodoh. Selalu cakap tak berasas. Belajar tinggi2 tapi akal fikiran entah di mana kau letakkan.
And then momma was also involved in an accident, while she was driving back home from the bank (masukkan duit utk kau yang tak pernah puas, duit terbang pergi lubang2 neraka, tp mereka tetap terpedaya, percaya dgn kau yg palsu). Her mind was elsewhere masa tu, nasib baik tak severely injured, Alhamdulillah. Sebab aku takkan maafkan kau sampai bila2 kalau apa2 jadi pd mereka dan puncanya aku tahu..memang itu.

Do you realize how much you actually mean to us? How deep is momma & ayah's love for you? How concern they are about you, regardless of what you did?? Do you even think about it? I don't think so. Up to this very moment, you're still in their hearts, despite Everything that you've put them through. And the saddest part is, they Still believe you, bang. They still do. And I almost hate them for that. I've tried to convince them that there's no point of hoping anymore. Things won't work out the way we planned. Not anymore. Things won't change, unless YOU change (which I highly doubt). Dari dulu lagi kau patut tau mcm mana ayah tak henti2 doa utk kita semua. Sembahyang istikharah & hajat utk kita. Sedekah, amal jariah utk kita. Tapi malang bagi dia, satu pun tak lekat dalam hati & kepala kau. Sikit pun tak berjaya mengubah persepsi kau. Pada mata kau, ayah lah yg jahat. Sedangkan kau yg sentiasa negatif. Huh. What a loss.

You just don't deserve them & their love. And I don't think you actually want any of those anymore, cuz all I see now is that you want money & wealth more than anything else in the world. Am I correct?

Absolutely.

*sigh*.. Kau lupa segalanya bila kau dh berjaya. Bila kau yg terbaik di kalangan yg terbaik di sana, bila kau dh kaya-raya, kau lupa.. Dan bila kau lupa pada Dia yg di atas sana, maka sbb tu lah tak mustahil kau lupa pada kami semua. I may not be as important, but momma & ayah should always be. How ridiculous it seem to me that you forgot your Priorities, brother.

Hanya utk pengetahuanmu... Jauh di sudut hati aku masih tersimpan keinginan utk kembali mencipta cerita bersamamu, rindu utk bergelak ketawa bergurau senda dgnmu..
Tapi keinginanku hanya tercipta dengan dirimu yg Dulu. . .

Kini..
Aku tak rasa kau mampu lagi membezakan apa yg nyata dan apa yg tidak. You're lost in your own world. Semoga Tuhan melaknat kau dan Jesus Christ kau tu.

Abang... pergilah kau, jauh dari hidupku..

What If.

2008-11-18T00:50:00.007+11:00

Somehow...I can sense that something bad is coming my way...

If this is going to be the biggest test for me, just please let it be only me.

Don't make this also a test for him and my parents. God I plead, please.. For I know how much they love me, and how much more they need me.

77 Things I Really Love About You

2008-11-02T03:34:00.015+11:00

1. I love the fact on how you first fell in love with me since we were small.

2. I love the fact on how we once lived So close to one another (since we were born) yet we never knew about it until recently.

3. I love the Perfect personality in you.

4. I love the fact that we have So Many things in common.

5. I love the way you live your life; for you are as simple as I am.

6. I love your smiles and laughter.

7. I love your sense of humour.

8. I love your smell.

9. I love the way you look after shower; very pretty..

10. I love you because you're a low-profile person; as humble as you can be.

11. I love your soft touch; you have very special hands.

12. I love the way you really care and worry about me.

13. I love the way you treat my family.

14. I love the fact that you are completely honest with me.

15. I love your loyalty.

16. I love the way you trust me.

17. I love the way you drive.

18. I love your voice when you say sorry.

19. I love the patience in you.

20. I love the fact that you understand me.

21. I love your tolerance and considerations.

22. I love the times when you're shy but you still manage to look cool.

23. I love the times when you couldn't even smile; when you transform into 'The scary monster'. ;)

24. I love the way you always want to be pampered.

25. I love the things that you do for me.

26. I love the fact that you're smart.

27. I love the way you appreciate me.

28. I love how thoughtful you are.

29. I love the way you persuade me.

30. I love how protective you are.

31. I love your willingness.

32. I love you because you are a very, very well-mannered man.

33. I love the way you give in to me.

34. I love the fact of how romantic you are.

35. I love the fact that your gorgeousness melts me.

36. I love how you always suggest me the right solutions to everything.

37. I love how you make it all seem possible to me.

38. I love how you remember all the important things.

39. I love the way you compliment me.

40. I love the fact that you want only the best for me.

41. I love your sincerity.

42. I love the way you treat me.

43. I love the fact that you got me super excited each time I see you.

44. I love the fact that even though we're 16, 900 kilometres apart, you're always there for me.

45. I love you because you're very calm.

46. I love the way you offer me endless support when times are tough.

47. I love how you demand respect but not controlling.

48. I love how you come to me crying like a little boy when you're Really down.

49. I love the way you think about every single thing.

50. I love the fact that I enjoy every moment with you.

51. I love the fact that you make me the Luckiest girl in the world just by having you.

52. I love the fact that you never take me for granted.

53. I love how helpful you are as a person.

54. I love your gentleness.

55. I love the childishness in you; it makes you the cutest guy on Earth.

56. I love the way you bring so much happiness and excitement into my life.

57. I love the fact that you've got manly skills and that's So adorable.

58. I love your incredibly beautiful brown eyes.

59. I love your baby-smooth skin.

60. I love the fact that you always know what's right and what's not; to do things correctly & avoid doing the wrong things.

61. I love the way you write to me in all your lovely cards and letters (and even the ripped-off newspaper). You are So sweet.

62. I love the fact that you always have dreams on me.

63. I love how forgiving you are as a person.

64. I love the way you know how to comfort me whenever I stress out.

65. I love the fact that we have a very strong chemistry.

66. I love the fact that our love is extraordinary; it's like no other.

67. I love when you talk about our future and sound serious about it. :)

68. I love how neat a man you are.

69. I love the fact that you're able to put up with my annoying character.

70. I love the fact that you accept me the way I am.

71. I love the way you define your life priorities.

72. I love the fact that you get along well with people.

73. I love the way you really put effort to gain weight for me. =D

74. I love the way you respond to my jokes.

75. I love the way you've always wanted to sing even when I asked you not to. =P

76. I love the fact that all the little things actually make me love you More Each Day.

77. And last but not least, I love you because you are simply Worth to love...

I can never thank God enough for being given the chance to be with someone like You...

Baby you know I could write 77 millions and more but this is just a short list to at least bring a smile on your face after those exhausting overnight site visits..

I Just Love You.

I KEEP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU...

2008-08-01T01:28:00.005+10:00

Dear Princess,

I am unbelievably lucky to have you in my life.

I think the sweetest thing that can happen to anyone is to meet that special person who makes you feel like you're living in a dream come true.
That's what this is like for me.
It's like that with every smile, every touch, every memory we make.

When almost every day we have together is the kind that you don't want to end, that's when you know the love is real, and it's when you realize what a treasure you're holding on to.

Every time we're together, just doing all the things that lovers and best friends and dreamers do, I keep falling in love with you, over and over again.

I could spend FOREVER doing this. And I hope you know how thankful I am for all the incredibly precious things, you bring into my life.

-Prince

p/s : Thank you.. *smiles*

After All...

2008-07-18T04:59:00.014+10:00

Note: This is related to an earlier post in May 'O8.

*DEEP SIGH* when I saw 'him', AND 'her'. Unfortunately I was at work when this unwanted-'sudden rush' came to me. I tried so hard to focus on work, but end up short of quite a big amount. Blaming myself for being too nervous over this particular matter, I just couldn't help it... Memangla he's an EX.. he's history.. he's my past. Cuma... hati ni.... ntahla.. rasa....sebak sgt...
Moreover, with the fact that he actually Begged & Pleaded to be in a relationship with me again, to be mine once more, and with all those tears he shed the night before he left for M'sia, and yea, he promised to come back into my arms when he gets his fugly ass back here...only to prove that he's actually capable of living such lies.. I never thought that he's full of crap. Bullshits, to be exact. I was extremely upset, that's undeniable. I was totally down with myself, I feel unworthy. manipulated. lied to. used. And worse, I feel like I was completely fooled.

But yea...later today I had some logical senses back into my mind. I heard soft whispers telling me that it's him who doesn't deserve me, it's him who is immature (in This term), and it's him who is LOSING..

I wonder why God actually fated us to meet & love & then leave.. But now it is becoming obvious that He (up above) doesn't want me to regret whatever that has happened All these years, including everything Recent of course.. I've become a whole new person with a whole new chapter. Not to say I completely changed, but..nothing can be compared to this massive improvement I've ever had in the past 22 years of my life..
Syukur.

And yes loser, I don't hope. well at least..Not Anymore.

Hmm...."When I saw you and her so close together, with you wearing the same smile you used to have when I was the only girl in your heart, tears strolled down my cheeks...I tried to slowly breathe, I tried to be as calm as I should be, and I, accepted the fact that the other smile next to yours isn't anymore mine...and so I understand, never will it be."

Because after all..... (apparently) it was just meant to be 'a rebound relationship'... for both you & me.

Welcome, LIFE.

2008-07-07T03:19:00.002+10:00

FINALLY FOUND...'THE' EXTRAORDINARY.

*bahagia. . .more than I can tell*

Antara Nyawa, Dunia & Khilafnya.

2008-06-11T08:01:00.013+10:00

Aku lalu apa yang tidak kau lalu
Jalan ke hilir, berlari ke hulu
Tetapi aku masih aku

Aku ada apa yang tidak kau mahu
Kurang di sana, lebih di situ
Tetapi aku masih tetap aku

Aku rasa apa yang tidak kau tahu
Derita batinku, sihat di matamu
Tetapi aku masih lagi diriku

_______________________________

Hidup aku terlalu sempurna
Lebih dari apa yang aku pinta
Dan bila aku diuji diduga
Itu tanda Tuhan cinta

Hati aku terlalu rapuh
Tetapi jiwaku tak pernah jatuh
Biar hadir segala keruh
Takkan lagi aku berkeluh..

_______________________________

"Kerana aku bukan lagi aku yang dulu..."

"01.01.08 - 03.05.08"

2008-06-06T22:07:00.001+10:00

Jangan pernah beri aku harapan andai kau sememangnya tidak yakin dengannya..

Jangan pernah beri aku sandaran andai kau sendiri terlalu lemah jiwanya..

Jangan pernah beri aku perjanjian andai kau berpura-pura..

Jangan pernah beri aku kegembiraan andai kau sanggup hancurkan segalanya..

Jangan pernah beri aku perlindungan andai kau selubunginya dengan dusta..

Jangan pernah beri aku cerita indah tentang cinta, andai keikhlasan tidak kau punya...

"...sesuatu yang pernah aku beritahu sejak dulu, sebelum kita menjadi satu. Namun kau tetap dengan kata2 kosongmu. Kau mainkan perasaanku, dan semudah itu, diriku kau tipu..."

The Colourless Rainbow ...

2008-06-03T20:30:00.002+10:00

It's not that I give up or anything.. It's just that...I don't see the need to really opt for something that is clearly impossible, for I am sick of hoping. In a way, I choose not to be in denial, so I won't act as if there's a lot more to be done when there's actually none. I go thru life every day without doubts, but these things have truly made me weak, very deep inside. All the strength I have in me has slowly been taken. They took the best out of me. With whatever I was thrown with, I have nothing but traces of love to give. I love you, with all my soul I do. But whatever my heart feels, I should have known now, the answer to 'why' God has never made it last for me. I now understand the whole point of this emptiness.
Helpless from within, I am now, finally, independent...
To go without regrets, and to leave without your love. . .

Cuz I am Me.

2008-05-31T22:02:00.003+10:00

Dalam hidup aku skrg ni ada 4 hubungan penting yg aku kena jaga:-

Hubungan dgn Tuhan.
Hubungan dgn keluarga.
Hubungan dgn studies.
Hubungan dgn kawan2.

Setiap hari, these are among the things that I keep on reminding myself, for motivation purposes.

Remember that it won't take long till you finish studying cuz after this you will Never hv the chance to turn back time & u're gonna miss ur life as a student, SO KEEP FOCUSED & DO THE BEST CUZ IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT.
Kalau nk buat apa2 pun, make sure you go all out because you Never know that there's tomorrow to prove. SO DON'T YOU EVER TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED.
If possible, don't depend on others to make you happy, do your thing; you know what's best of you, SO FIND WAYS & TIME TO DO WHAT YOU ENJOY DOING.
Remember that when you're depressed, cry your heart out bcuz it does make you feel better, but don't let whatever that bugs Stop you from meeting the world.
Take time to get over frustations, but don't carry yourself low. Always remember that you've got your own standards to keep up to.
Bila malas nak solat, remind yourself that ini je cara utk you tunjuk rs syukur pd Dia cuz He's given you more than enough. SO JGN LUPA DIA SBB KUASA SEMUANYA DLM TGN DIA.
Kalau dlm keadaan marah, Selalu fkr balik reason dia munasabah atau tidak, And letak diri kita dlm situation org tu. If it turns out that you should, okay then. But if you think that there's more to it, just forget it. SO DON'T GET STRESSED OUT FOR SOMETHING THAT WON'T ACTUALLY MATTER THAT MUCH IN THE FUTURE.

2008-05-26T21:44:00.005+10:00

......TAK APE LA......KALAU DH JODOH, TAK KE MANA...

SEKURANG2NYA, SAYA DAH CUBA.

TAPI...SAYA HARAP.....KALAU ADA PUN INSAN YG DICIPTAKAN UTK SAYA,

BIARLAH LELAKI ITU BENAR2 MENCINTAI SAYA SEPERTIMANA HATI SAYA MAMPU MENCINTAINYA....

BIARLAH LELAKI ITU SEDAR AKAN TANGGUNGJAWABNYA....

BIARLAH LELAKI ITU TIDAK HANYA MEMIKIRKAN KEPENTINGAN DIRINYA....

BIARLAH LELAKI ITU MAMPU MENGHARGAI KASIH SAYANG SAYA....

BIARLAH LELAKI ITU TIDAK HANYA BIJAK BERKATA-KATA....

BIARLAH LELAKI ITU MEMILIKI JIWA YG LEBIH KUAT DARI NAFSUNYA....

BIARLAH LELAKI ITU ADA KEIKHLASAN DALAM NALURINYA....

BIARLAH LELAKI ITU SEORANG INSAN YANG TAHU BERSYUKUR DGN SIFAT RENDAH DIRINYA....

Can I Come Back ?

2008-05-24T02:26:00.012+10:00

Can I come back dear. . .
for this time I'm sure,
that it will be forever.

Can I come back and love you like I
did once before..?
Can I come back and this time I'll give you
a love that is more than pure.

For only your love my dear is the only cure,
to this poisonous pain called life,
which without you in it. . . I try to endure.

For this time I promise it will be forever
because I've never been so sure.
Can I come back my dear and love you. . .
for it is You, whom I adore.

Can I come back and love you once more,
for without you, my life is like an endless
ocean which will never find its shore.

Can I come back dear and love you. . .
like I did once before.

'The true meaning of .....'

2008-05-22T08:40:00.008+10:00

Betul tak....kalau kita sangat sayangkan seseorang, kita sanggup susah utk dia.

Betul tak....kalau kita cintakan seseorang, kita akan sentiasa cuba utk tidak menyakitinya.

Betul tak....kalau kita ikhlas dgn seseorang, kita akan rasa kita ada tanggungjawab atas dirinya.

Betul tak....kalau kita rindukan seseorang, kita akan risaukan dirinya, tapi bukan sekadar dgn kata2.

Betul tak....kalau kita benar2 hargai seseorang, kita sanggup jatuh bangun bersamanya.

Betul tak....kalau kita percaya dgn seseorang, kita akan yakin dgn cintanya.

Betul tak....kalau kita jujur dgn hati kita, kita mampu bahagia.

Betul tak....kalau semua ini awak Benar2 rasa, saya takkan dibiarkan begini adanya...

I just don't know anymore.

2008-05-20T19:27:00.008+10:00

You give me cuts on the inside, again and again, one after another........

You're killing me entirely...

You're destroying the softer part of my heart.....the place that I thought You'd belong to...

You said You're willing, but You keep coming up with all kinds of reasoning......

You're refusing to take the blame, and You never prioritize the thing that matters...

You always have choices, but You made the wrong ones...

You always have alternatives, but You picked out the selfish ones...

You always leave me holding back, behind You.. as if my tears never meant anything to You...

You never took the chance to understand me real closely, the way I thought You would...

You always express yourself more than what you're actually capable of...

and worse, You always make me believe in your lies...

You made me smile with a heart full of hope, but it never took long before You take it away with your false promises...

"You should know that I am not just anybody that You can walk all over. This way, I wish You luck in love."

Penutup Kisahku ..

2008-05-13T22:30:00.006+10:00

Ku awali hariku dengan mendoakanmu
agar kau sihat dan bahagia di sana,
sebelum kau melupakanku lebih jauh,
sebelum kau meninggalkanku lebih jauh..
Ku tak pernah berharap kau akan merindukan keadaanku yang kau letakkan hina..
Ku hanya ingin tatkala kau melihatku bila

pun, di mana pun,
hatimu akan berkata seperti ini....
Gadis inilah yang jatuh hati padamu..
Gadis inilah yang selalu memujamu..

Akulah orang yang akan selalu menaruh harapan,
dan menuliskan cinta di atas sekeping hatimu..
Akulah orang yang akan selalu ingin menjagamu,
menikmati indahmu dari sisi gelapku..
Dan biarkan aku jadi pemujamu,
Jangan pernah hiraukan perasaan hatiku..
Tenanglah, tenang sayang..
Aku takkan sampai hati bila menyentuhmu..
Mungkin kau takkan pernah tahu
betapa mudahnya kau untuk ku kagumi..
Mungkin kau tak pernah sedar
betapa mudahnya kau untuk ku cintai..

Akulah orang yang akan selalu menyayangimu,
Akulah orang yang akan selalu memahamimu,
Akulah orang yang akan selalu melegakanmu,
Akulah orang yang akan selalu mencintaimu,

dari sisi gelapku...

The 'fall' in Autumn ..

2008-05-07T21:04:00.007+10:00

Awak..... Kenapa awak tinggalkan saya mcmtu... kan awak tau saya boleh berubah...kan awak tau saya boleh compromise... kalau saya boleh bersabar dgn awak, knp awak tak boleh...awak putus asa sebelum sempat kita buktikan apa2... and worst, belum apa2 lagi awak dah tergamak humiliate saya mcmtu... apalah sgt salah saya kalau nk dibandingkan dgn sedalam mana perasaan sy pd awak... mungkin betul kata awak, silap yg satu tu penting bagi awak, tapi awak patut tau yg saya mampu berkorban utk awak, cuma perlu dorongan. itu je.. tapi belum sempat awak bimbing saya, awak lari tinggalkan saya sorang2. dan sy buat silap saya tu dlm conscience yg kuat mengatakan awak tak blh terima relationship ni lg...just bcuz i misinterpreted ur text msg...tapi awak tak fikir puncanya, mungkin..

Dalam gelap malam itu, saya tersandar seorangan tepi jalan, exactly where awak baling makanan yg ada dlm tgn awak ms tu... saya terdiam, terkejut dgn tengkingan awak, jeritan awak... bila org keliling pandang, saya tunduk, sgt malu.. and i cried..like i never did before. saya jadi sgt lemah, jantung saya sgt laju, tangan saya menggeletar... it was exactly a flashback of my past...yg pernah satu ketika dulu awak janji takkan bawak saya lalu jalan yg sama lg... but you just did.

Saya menangis tanpa henti, saya jd takut...saya rasa insecured... passers-by kept asking me whether i was okay or not...saya tak larat nak jawab, saya takde kekuatan utk bersuara...hanya Tuhan yg tau betapa diri ni terasa dipijak2...

Saya tak faham kenapa.....kenapa awak tak blh fkr yg saya selama ni selalu tolerate dgn attitude awak, selalu bersabar dgn cara awak, and i keep on giving u room for improvement everytime u make mistakes...semuanya kerana saya yakin....saya ingatkan cinta saya mampu dorong awak.....Kenapa awak tak blh consider semua tu...kenapa awak tak blh value perasaan yg saya ada pd awak... Awak tak percaya, mungkin...

When I told u that I have never been happier, sumpah atas nama Allah saya maksudkan segala2nya...when I said 'I love u like no other', saya betul2 ikhlas, sumpah.. :'(
Kenapa awak tak percaya....kenapa......
Bila saya cakap saya paranoid about marriage, jauh di sudut hati saya sebenarnya selalu berdoa, "pls let him be 'the one'.." Kerana di mata saya, awaklah yg sempurna... Tapi awak tak pernah percaya... Pada awak, usikan negatif saya lebih memberi makna...

Saya tak sangka yg satu hari awak akan tinggalkan saya dgn cara yg begitu...a very unacceptable, disrespectful manner... Tersimpang jauh dari jangkauan pemikiran saya...
Sehingga detik ini pun, hati saya masih menolak utk percaya yg Awak, tergamak buat mcmtu... Dan sekali lagi...saya jatuh dgn teruk, kali ini terus ke dasarnya, dan tak mungkin mampu kembali lagi ke permukaan...

I used to admire your calmness, the way you think, n the way you see things thru... Cuma mungkin Tuhan nk tunjuk your true colours, saya terima caraNya...

Baru saya fhm kenapa mcmtu...just because u weren't being yourself...and for pretending to be someone else, you just couldn't force urself to be it....bila awak dh tak tahan berpura2, awak tinggalkan saya begitu sahaja...

Awak selalu cakap awak takkan putus asa, awak akan sentiasa cuba, sebab kita ada banyak masa....

Tapi awak tipu.....awak pergi tanpa ada perasaan ihsan dalam hati...tanpa ada kewarasan yang mungkin boleh meletakkan saya sedikit lebih elok daripada malam itu, di mana saya rasa diri ini tak pernah awak hargai...tak pernah awak cintai, selama ini.....

Saya tau awak dalam keadaan marah, tapi tak bermakna awak berhak buat begitu...Saya ingat lagi dulu, awak yg cakap mcmtu bila saja awak tau tentang kisah saya..
Tapi awak tipu rupanya...Awak terlalu bijak berkata2....tak fkr kesannya.. harapan palsu yg terbawa-bawa, setiap satu awak remehkan ertinya pada saya....

Saya nmpk kuat, tapi saya sgt lemah, itu awak tau...tapi awak tak kisah...
Malam itu, d only thing dat matters to you was yourself...And that, is the typical u... Kalaulah awak tinggalkan saya dgn cara yang lebih matang, cara yang lebih 'manly', mungkin saya tak akan jatuh begini teruk sekali...

Hati saya awak sia2kan.....pengorbanan saya awak permainkan.....and above all, when I have chosen You above the rest, yang itu..awak ambil ringan.. Sedangkan awak tahu, saya tak pernah tipu bila saya cakap saya takut dgn ms silam saya...saya takut utk kembali percaya...saya takut utk merasai cinta, semula....
Dgn janji2 awak, saya tertipu.....Dgn keikhlasan saya, saya tertipu....Dgn kesilapan saya, awak lari dari tanggungjawab....Dgn kelemahan saya, awak ambil kesempatan yg ada....Dgn saya yg memerlukan sokongan dari awk, awak rampas kekuatan itu tiba2....
Dgn sejujurnya, saya takkan mampu berdiri lagi, utk memiliki semangat itu kembali....sehebat kasih sayang kita.....

Dengan kebahagiaan yang tercipta, awak balas dengan luka....
Hati yang dulunya awak buka, kini benar2 telah mati..

Warkahku ..

2008-02-17T03:25:00.013+11:00

Walau seterang mana sinar matahari,

Ia tetap akan hilang dalam gelap malam..

Walau seindah mana bulan purnama,

Ia tetap malap di siang hari..

Walau seunik mana pelangi berwarna,

Ia tetap akan pergi perlahan..

Walau seajaib mana hujan meteor,

Ia singgah hanya sejenak..

Walau sebesar mana sesebuah planet,

Ia tetap kabur dari pandangan..

Walau sekuat mana graviti Bumi,

Ia tetap kalah di angkasa..

Tetapi ini warkahku. . .

Maka ku ingin kau tahu...

"Walau bagaimana sekalipun keadaannya,

Aku akan tetap di sini.

Bersama… hingga akhir nafasku."

You

2008-01-01T05:25:00.002+11:00

When I was lost in the darkest night,

You rescued me to the brightest light..

When I was down to the deepest ground,

You held me up to where faith is found..

When I was sinking and drowning in melancholy,

You came right here, right up to me..

How can I not consider You too special,

When You took my heart in such a way..

How can I not be amazed by You,

When it’s You who brought the sunshine to a broken smile..

And how can I not see You as a gift too precious,

When it’s You who taught me life’s most important lessons..

It came over me when I least expected..

You created a rainbow of your own, to look after me when the rain leaves me alone..

You led the feeling of love straight to where it belongs,

And all I wanna do is to cherish the wonderful You..

And now that I truly feel You in me,

I am truly blessed to have finally found You,

My dream, my soul, yes You….my life…

Origins!

2007-12-26T01:05:00.002+11:00

Tok Mod = Malaysian Malay (Bugis)
Tok Chah = Malaysian Malay (Riau)

***

Nenek = Singaporean Chinese

***

Tok Ali = Indian (Malayalam)

***

Nenek = Burmese

***

'Astonished' -- when I was told about our origins & ancestors.
Well hey~ Many thanks to the variation of genes!

Sometimes ..

2007-12-08T04:00:00.009+11:00

Sometimes I wish life treats me better,

Sometimes I wish it will always be fair,

Sometimes I wish I’d never have to choose,

to make decisions and to learn living in a world so cruel..

Sometimes I wish people are easily understood,

so that no one tends to be rude..

Sometimes I wish there is less time in a day,

so that no one is to be taken for granted, in any possible ways..

Sometimes I wish I was a different person..

Someone who resembles contentment,

reflects the hidden inner beauty,

doesn’t hold anything back,

and never too petrified to face any facts..

Someone who won’t cry so hard from pleading,

someone who finds that it is painless to love than to hate..

Who admires aptness but does not refuse weaknesses..

Just someone…who will never have to be in a state of denial.

And someone...to feel so much of freedom, even after countless painful trials..

Just the way You are.

2007-11-17T03:20:00.004+11:00

The way you talk to me…

The way you make me laugh…

The way you sing to me…

The way you apologize…

The way you hold me close…

And the way you look at me…

Simply tells…that every little thing you do is to impress me..

It really means something that is,

Too special for me to let go,

Too wonderful for me to ignore..

You add sunshine to a smile,

You send butterflies though we’re parted by miles..

When I miss you, I crazily do..

When I hug you, I really feel you..

When I hold your hands in mine,

I secretly wish that you won’t have to leave..

And at times when I teasingly mentioned that “I don’t like you”,

I meant to actually say “I love you.. and I really, really do..”

Is it really you ..?

2007-10-05T18:21:00.004+10:00

I want to feel safe…in your protective arms..
I want to feel proud…with your presence by my side..
I want to feel needed…in your sense of belonging..

It’s amazing,
How I suddenly saw a rainbow in a blink of an eye..
How I unconsciously created a garden in the centre of my heart..
How I woke up everyday having you the first thing on my mind..
How I missed every single moment spent with you..

Tell me if it’s real,
Tell me if it’s true,
It’s been long since I felt this special,
Please let me know if it’s really you...

The time has come ..

2007-06-09T19:32:00.007+10:00

Sometimes I just don’t know where to stand,
And I don’t want to know how to speak my mind,
Just because I know you’re there to understand..

I feel you in me,
I see ‘us’ everywhere,
Despite the painful terrible cries,
I never seemed to care..

You’re all I ever wanted,
Just about everything I ever wished for,
Well facing the fact that I’ve gone this far,
Life should be fine, you’re not abusing me anymore!

But there’s one thing for sure,
I don’t see what I should do,
I keep on missing you,
Keep thinking of who I am when I’m with you,
And I keep on feeling lost, without you..

Dear God I pray to get rid of you,
To get you off my soul and mind,
And to eventually get myself back on land,
So that I know exactly where to stand…

To whom it may concern......Terima kasih kerana mengajar i erti sebenar 'kesabaran'....But i'm not going to repeat momma's life history...cukuplah dgn apa yg jadi depan mata i selama ni...It has got to end... Tanpa kerelaan, i terpaksa pergi...jauh dari segala2nya....Enough is enough....What was unworthy, I need to re-evaluate....Thank you for treating me like a princess when you're all good, i thank you....

But unfortunately a while after, with the shits you've done, sayang mcm mana pun, everything turned out to be the darkest memories of all.... I've made my decision to escape, the only way I think life will treat me better.... You kagumi ketabahan i, you sanjungi kesabaran i, you terima i seadanya, tapi u lupa hargai perasaan i..... You put me nowhere inside u everytime u go mad, you forgot about the fact that I'm yours everytime u humiliated me....

Almost 4 years, and not even in the 1st six months was I free from this trauma you've put me through.....Two attempts of committing suicide.....and being admitted to the hospital for too many times because I was severely bleeding, I was bruised, I was beaten without Any sympathy, But each time they asked me..I quickly made up stories to cover your flaws....your cruelty.... Though they knew that it didn't make any sense, but I didn't care, cuz all I cared about was 'us'....And because of the love that I had in me, I never stopped hoping that one day you'd change....

When momma came all the way from south to north to check on me, I lied to her...for you. I never wanted her to know how hard it was being me, how difficult it was to go thru the shits you dragged me along the way....and most importantly, I never wanted her to stop loving you too....the way I do.

I lied, I made up non-sensical stories when deep inside momma knows that something was wrong somewhere, but I kept on denying...for you. This, is what I call 'sacrifice'....in which you never realized, or you probably chose not to.

As time goes by, I became weaker on the inside....I became quieter...I became numb. The excitement, the smiles that used to appear on my face, slowly fades away....And u were more dangerous, u became outrageous.... Without me noticing the changes, my heart wasn't that hopeful anymore....Yes I am tough, but after all, I'm still a vulnerable young girl... Among the cursings of terrible bad words that never stopped coming out from your mouth which I had to strongly bear with, and the cries & blood & bruises in Every week of the relationship, I don't have the superpower to heal too fast.... Physically, mentally, and emotionally.....I was traumatised. Even a phone call from u made me scared....and each time, the thought of bumping into you when I didn't want to, created an urge for me to run away...as far as I could go. I've been embarrassed by you for way too many times, wherever, whenever you feel like it.....As if I never meant anything to you at all...

With studies, exams....and me going to class with bruises all over, and the pain I had to bear with, for the nights that I couldn't even rest my head on the pillow cuz it was really painful, for the days that I couldn't even sit cuz my back aches so much, and for all the times when I had to struggle to attend examinations, again..i had to lie to friends, lecturers, and families....Cuz i know it was never intentional...cuz I tau u 'sakit'....I tau u 'lain'....and THAT was the reason Why i sacrificed....

And when you were caught abusing me, we went to the court, I backed you up, I put the blame elsewhere, just to set you free from anything.....I'm leaving the country just to shut myself away, even before the case was closed..so I dismissed it by reasoning that 'it was being put on hold for too long'....when deep within me I bersyukur, sekurang2nya I tak perlu risau lg...It's all done.

So.. Yes, you know me....I'm very determined....and when I said I'm leaving, I'll do whatever it takes just to go for it. Atas setiap penderitaan yg I lalui, I can no longer stand by you. And I pernah ckp kat u...."kalau I yg mcmni pun tak mampu berdiri di sisi you, sampai bila2 pun takkan ada sesiapa yang mampu.."
It's up to you to interpret whatever that means..

And I'll be leaving in a month...hoping that life will at least be a little bit fair to me....
Maybe, in this context, I'm just very unlucky...in love.

"Semoga Tuhan menjauhkan pandangan mata & hati di antara kita..."

Issues.

2007-04-08T17:55:00.001+10:00

Lonely nights I think of me,
My life, my leaders and my land,
Land of war will turn into lights,
Divine lights will give us strength.

Sunlight divine covers my heart,
Angels of light take charge of us.

Stiff darkness surrounds me,
Among the trees I saw the gates of hell,
I heard that someone screams my name,
Devil claims for my life.

Sunlight divine gives me the strength,
Angels of light show me the way.

Flying up in the sky, riding through the wind,
Until dawn, things won't change at all,
Strange sensations, fighting the evil in my heart,
Angels of light help me save my heart.

Stars guide me in this night,
Light my way to fight the dark,
God I pray to you one more time,
With your help I'll save my heart..

You Never Know .

2007-02-14T00:48:00.004+11:00

You never know how much your laughter fills my soul,

Making all the little problems of the day disappear..

You never know how much it means to me,

When you say something thoughtful just when I need it the most..

You never know how proud I am on the inside,

For the person you are and the things you do,

For your courage and your determination,

Your accomplishments and your dreams..

You never know how much I need you,

In the best & the worst of times and for all the times in between..

It really doesn't matter where we are,

Or what we are doing..

As long as we're together to share it all,

Forever it remains the most beautiful feeling..

Innocence Lost ..

2006-02-13T02:50:00.000+11:00

Coaxed to make belief
His touches were innocent,
full of love and care,
endless.

Touched...Felt...Groped...Lost...

His touches were not innocent but
full of beasty emotions and wanton lust,
inhuman.

What's left to ponder on,
Only pieces of dignity,
Collected and pieced together,
And made belief that life was beautiful,
Ignoring the fact that the heart is
aimless, full of hatred,
confused.